Writing Down The Shelter

THE COUSIN

2012-02-12T07:08:00.000-08:00

This week, a little boy who rarely talks or smiles in group had a breakthrough. We were talking about people we love and making valentine cards with stickers and crayons. He didn’t join in, just sat next to me looking around, listening intently.

I told him he looked very sad tonight. Was there anyone he’d like to make a Valentine for? He shook his head to my suggestions: “Mom?”, “Dad”, “friend”? So I said, “Okay, but maybe there’s someone else you love. Think about it, okay?”

I helped a new three-year-old who was drawing a very graphic picture of Dad to remove Valentine stickers from her sheet. Suddenly, the little boy announced loudly, “This was a very bad week. I miss my cousin.”

It turned out that his cousin, whom he regarded as a brother lived in another country. I asked if he ever talked to him on the phone. “Not much,” he answered, dropping his head. “Do you want to write to him?” I asked. He grabbed the 8x11” paper and a pencil. Wrote for about ten minutes.

He didn’t share the content of his letter with his cousin but we folded it in half and sealed it with scotch tape. He thought his mother might know the address.

Shows how we should never discount the close bonds children have with extended family, even if they’re hundreds of miles away. This child talked more than he ever had simply because he decided to take a chance and share his pain.

He left smiling. So did I.

Happy Valentine’s Day!
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THE APARTMENT

2012-02-09T08:53:00.000-08:00

At the shelter this week, I talked with a young mom during supper. She’s had it tough—escaping a violent home, bringing one child to the shelter while having to leave her other kids with a relative.

She was exhausted. Had looked at apartments all day. Was worried the one she liked best she’d never get because of credit problems. And because the landlord said he was interviewing more people.

Then her cell rang. Her face lighted up. The landlord said she could have the apartment! She was suddenly beautiful. Eyes shining, big smile, excited.

A child distracted me for a couple minutes. When I looked back at her, she was off the phone. Frowning, shoulders slumped, tears in her eyes. “He wants a security deposit. I don’t have it. It was hard enough to save for the first and last month’s rent. I lost the apartment.”

What could I say? The poor have fewer options than others, period. And women who leave batterers to stay in a shelter are poor, no matter what their financial status as wife or partner before they left.

Often their partners take their paychecks or don’t let them work. Battering ruins self-esteem so they may not think they can work and manage his excessive demands. This makes it almost impossible to save for an apartment. And it adds to their loss of basic rights and chronic humiliation.

Makes me mad.

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BATTERED CHILDREN

2012-02-06T13:00:00.000-08:00

At the domestic violence shelter where I work with the kids in small groups, we have few physically battered children. What we have is emotionally battered children.

Every time their father or father figure hits, shoves, or kicks their mother. Whenever he denigrates her, takes away her right to work, to own her paycheck, to make decisions about their life, home and children, he is doing the same thing to the children in that house.

In this way, they are learning lessons about control, power, cruelty, inappropriate or dishonest "forgiving", obsessive love, "keeping the peace" no matter what the cost, etc.

Some kids, at least initially, seem unaffected by the violence in their homes. They give the "right" answers in group re: women's rights, love, and dignity. But most of them have also learned to hide their feelings, even from themselves. Many may have identified with the aggressor (the batterer) but may not show this until they are in a safe situation for a long time.

Many think loyalty is love and ask to see their father. He may be a "good father" in many ways, but "good fathers" don't hurt mothers and terrify children. Don't steal a woman's sense of self with cruelty and terror.

Whether they outwardly show what has happened to them, these children are at high risk for repeating their early life experiences. It helps if Mom has had a decent partner before the abusive one. It helps if Mom gets away before the child truly comprehends what's going on.

But it is impossible to know how much damage has occured in many children. It makes me wonder if the "untouched" children simply hide or deny their fear and anger better than the openly angry, frightened ones.

So don't assume anything. Do listen and provide ways for kids to express themselves--toys that require creative play (doctor kit, soldiers, doll house, Legos, etc.). Paper, pencils, crayons,markers. Privacy if a child can't speak in a group. Stories or books that show other children in similar situations.

And don't wait for the "right moment." As soon as that child's mother leaves or thinks about leaving the batterer, provide services for both mother and child. Undoing as much harm as possible is what helping the battered child is all about.
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GROUP PLAYTIME

2012-02-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

The second part of my groups for kids at the shelter is playtime. The shelter and I provide plenty of stimulating toys: Legos, a Dr. kit, Uno, board games, kitchen "food" and "china", soldiers and their equipment, a doll house and "Children's Medical Hospital", dominoes, etc.).

Sometimes when kids first come to group, they're not intersted in playing with these non-electronic toys. They say, "It's "boring." Ask, "Can we play with the Wii?"(in another room), "Do you have a Gameboy?" and so on.

Many of these kids have spent a lot of time with TV, video games, etc. These electronic "babysitters" are considered harmful by many experts because children often play with them alone, rather than learning social skills; they may experience far too much violence and become numb to it; they do not have to be creative while being entertained by these toys, and I could go on.

What's good is that when kids don't have electronic games to play with, they soon begin to succumb to the charms of imaginative play. This may take two or three weeks, but it definitely happens. They also learn to get along with others, cooperate, share, and create "wars", "dinners", domino "snakes", "Dr.'s offices", etc.

Play is children's work. It is how they explore the world, work out problems, and learn to master challenges. If you aren't already, consider limiting kids' use of these games to one hour or less a day. Then provide kids with toys that they can manipulate, not toys that manipulate them.

One benefit? Perhaps school will be more interesting when they don't expect the teacher to entertain them. And so will play--if it's real play.
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REVISIONS

2012-01-31T08:30:00.000-08:00

Life is full of them, especially revised perceptions.

Remember that boy you thought was a nerd, then met him years later when he was handsome, well dressed, and very successful? Or that girl everyone in high school dismissed as a “dumb blonde,” but later earned a Ph.D. and a six-figure salary?

I’m revising my YA novel, SHELTER for my new agent. It’s also a revision in perception because she made a couple suggestions that will improve the book. Improving the book is another necessary revision in my thinking from two years ago when I thought SHELTER would be easy to sell (and so did my former agent).

The publishing business has changed tremendously and is not happy at this point that more and more frustrated authors are self-publishing because it’s obvious that many very good books are not being bought. Publishers are cutting their back lists, publishing fewer unknown authors, producing fewer copies of each book, and taking books out of print faster than before. Publishing decisions often seem more bottom line than literary merit.

But revision must happen if you’re to grow or even stay abreast of changes. What, for example, would happen if you’d drastically revised your opinion of the person you live with? What if you’ve changed and he hasn’t?

What if you need to get away and he won’t let you?

Revision is a right, too. No one should refuse to accept your opinions or your need for a change. IMO, batterers need lots of revision—probably more than their victims, but they are the least likely to think so.
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IT'S NOT ALWAYS ADHD

2012-01-28T09:37:00.000-08:00

When I was a school social worker, I had many kids referred to me as “possibly ADHD” (which includes the Hyperactive, Inattentive, and Combined types).

These kids were often flagrantly hyperactive or “spacey” in the classroom, a highly stimulating and anxiety-producing place for kids with ADHD. There are many other children nearby, constant soft and loud noises, and the requirement that they produce a certain amount of work and behave appropriately.

These “possibly ADHD” kids often came to one of my social work groups with 3-5 other kids in my small, quiet office. There, I provided interesting exercises first and playtime afterward. They must be quiet during the first part of group or get checks which could lead to “time out” during playtime.

The hyperactive, sometimes oppositional kids rarely earned time out (3 checks) in my groups as the stimulation level was low and the adult friendly, but consistent. I also didn’t require any written work! Even the “spacey,” inattentive type of kids could pay attention and do well socially for that short time. Again, less stimulation, more support, and a reward for co-operation (play time).

At the shelter, I work with many kids who seem to have ADHD at first. Some of them continue to show symptoms and may indeed have ADHD, but many lose their symptoms after a few weeks. Why? Because separation anxiety can cause hyperactivity. Depression can slow responses, lower motivation, and increase disorganization. Aggression is often learned and has to be unlearned. A lack of trust is a normal response to a violent, frightening home.

The same can be said for kids who show symptoms of ADHD but live in “normal” homes. They, too, may be experiencing crises—a serious illness or the illness of someone they love, an overstressed parent, a separation or divorce, the death of a loved one, a parent’s unemployment, frequent moves and school changes.

The lesson I’ve learned? Before a professional thinks about suggesting a visit to the pediatrician, s/he should find out what’s happening in the child’s life—now and in the past. Provide support to both parent and child. Listen and watch. See what happens.

KIDS & DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

2012-01-25T09:01:00.000-08:00

There was a very cute new little girl in group last night. She looked well dressed and well-cared for, smiled a lot, seemed very bright. Her story was about a bear who badly frightened a little girl at the park by “taking away her flowers.” The bear was only named, no description and his only “action” was to scare the little girl so much that she ran into the forest and never went home again.

Wow. In mutual storytelling, one technique I use to help kids bring up domestic violence and other issues, I tell a story after the child does. Mine starts with the same main characters in the same situation. Her story was unusual in that the first story kids tell usually has an unrealistically “happy” ending.

Hers told me that she did not feel protected at home, had so little trust that her mother would protect her that she would try to survive alone and in a strange place. Not to get too pychoanalytic, but flowers may refer to something else he has taken away, possibly sexual. Her "lesson" (the moral of the story) had little to do with her tale.

My story acknowledged the terrible bear, but my little girl ran to some teenagers for help. They called 911 and the police captured the bear and put him in a cage. My lesson? “Big bears who are bullies are breaking the law and need to be put in a cage.”

She smiled and nodded.

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GENERATOR

2012-01-22T14:27:00.000-08:00

Our generator was delivered this week with the bells and whistles necessary for the best installation and usage. Now we just find an electrician and we'll be ready if Mother Nature decides we need a another week with no water, limited toilet, and no electricity! (A rural "perk" when you have a well and septic system.)

My neighbors had to move to a hotel after their tub water ran out. The husband didn't expect his wife to adequately care for him and their two children with limited water and toilets. He's a reasonable, kind, and helpful person--and not just when someone's looking.

I don't like to think about what happens during a long term loss of power in a home run by a controlling, cruel person. It's not easy to cook with a gas grill or keep the kids and house clean with limited water and no electricity. It's not fun to have to refill the toilet from the tub or find a laundromat that's up and running.

Yet the batterer may still expect perfection. He's not one to accept excuses or allow leeway for unusual circumstances. He'd probably mete out punishment to those who don't do what they "should" under such difficult living conditions.

I'm grateful for our new generator, but I'm more grateful for a husband who accepted the lower standards of living during Storm Irene (and others) and who pitched in to make things easier for me.

What happens to your family in a crisis? Are expectations realistic? Are demands reduced by everyone, including yourself? Does everyone help?
Because they should.

HEARTS

2012-01-19T06:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I bought candy, little toys, and stickers for the kids’ Valentine’s Day party at the shelter. The stickers are so pretty—pink and red with colorful “message” candy hearts, adorable teddy bears, traditional hearts, and message ‘stamps.’

The messages of endearment on the candy hearts, like “luv ya,” “forever,” “smile,” “be mine,” and many others have double meanings for anyone who has lived in an abusive home.

Abuse may not be physical. Women have told me that emotional abuse is worse: the punch that just misses their head and but badly mars the wall, the degrading verbal weapons thrown at them ceaselessly, the criticism of everything they do, the hateful control of their lives.

So “luv ya,” might become, “Luv ya if you’re perfect.” “Smile” might become “Smile” no matter how much you’re hurting so no one knows, and “Be mine” becomes “I own you.” “Forever” means forever. No escape, in the batterer’s mind, at least.

Valentine’s Day means so much to so many. It can be a re-affirmation of love Oit can be a trap like all the others when you are the victim of battering.

What does Valentine’s Day mean to you?

AUTOBIOGRAPHY

2012-01-16T09:24:00.000-08:00

Some good friends and one of my “followers” on the blog suggested I write a book based on the domestic violence shelter where I volunteer. I finally decided to give it a shot a few weeks ago.

...At which point I realized that talking only about my experience working with the children in the shelter was like starting in the middle of my life as a social worker/child therapist. I volunteered at the shelter five years ago because I missed working with children on a daily basis. So this is really my story—a life filled with children. And that’s what I’m starting to write about.

Writing my autobiography, though, brings up people’s lives in general. Anyone can write about their life, but there should be a good reason. My reason is to show how injustice and pain touch many lives, including our own. The part of the book which will contain some of my blog entries or excerpts will show how many lives are completely ruined or ruined for years by domestic violence. And now new generations are experiencing dating and domestic violence to a greater degree than formerly.

So my question is, do you have a good reason to write about your life? To share experiences that you or people you know have had so others can learn from them?

Who knows what might come of that? It couldn’t be a bad thing, IMHO.

2012-01-13T08:54:00.000-08:00

We held no counseling groups for most of December as every available inch in the shelter was taken up by donations of toys, pajamas, and gifts for the women. When I returned after New Year’s, some of the children I knew had left, I hoped to their own apartments, as opposed to returning home to the batterer.

Two new kids, a boy and a girl, greeted me in a friendly way and stayed to talk while I ate supper in the dining room. They seemed trusting and sweet and were kind to other children.

That night, given there were many Christmas toys still available, my supervisor left word that each resident and visiting child could choose a Three Kings’ gift. The boy I’d met at supper picked a typical male toy—no surprise there. The “new” girl, though, picked a super macho transformer in red and black.

She is in early elementary school, beautiful, slim and sports a fashionable haircut. She’s not masculine-looking or -acting in any way. So why such a strange choice? I’m not sure but maybe it’s not so strange.

Kids come into the shelter still very much cowed by the masculine power and control in which the batterer has smothered them. The more afraid the child is of the batterer, the more s/he may identify with him. And identifying with him may at least provide the child with some sense of power and strength.

Fortunately, this little girl’s mother seems strong and up to the task of separating from her abuser. Let’s hope she’s done it soon enough so her kids can, too.

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POSSIBILITIES

2012-01-10T08:55:00.000-08:00

I need a new agent. Finding the right publisher to send your ms. to takes lots of time. You have to query editors, check publishers’ websites, read and follow up on “wish lists” in writer’s newsletters, etc. This cuts the amount of time you have left to actually write! So I sent out queries to four agents. Heard from the one most likely to sell my SHELTER Young Adult—a Latina woman who might just get it published in Spanish as well as English.

This is very important to me. The domestic violence shelter where I volunteer has more Latina women than any other group. The Assistant Director is Latina and loved the original version of the book. Many Latina women are not fluent in English, so it would be great if I have a Latina pulling for me and my book!

Though the “big” publishers say they want mss. like this, Marketing Departments can kill sales because they don’t expect a big enough return on multicultural works. I say, this is part of what keeps minorities down. Low expectations. They won’t read or buy or borrow these books? I think they do and they will.

At least I have the freedom to pursue the path I choose. I hope you do, too.

Every woman, every person—deserves that freedom.

THE GRINCH

2012-01-07T14:01:00.000-08:00

This week, in a group of kids 6-9 at the shelter, a new member decided to recount the story by Dr. Seuss about the “Grinch”, a horrible creature who stole a whole village’s Christmas toys. His retelling was accurate and had a happy ending.

My story, I warn the kids will start like theirs, but since it’s my story, it will be different. My stories don’t have happy endings. They are “normal”, as in often equivocal but usually with some hope for the future.

My message tends to be life will be tough, but it can be good-- and my bad guys get punished. So in my story, the Grinch was discovered in the act and put in jail. He didn’t become a model citizen but he never ruined Christmas for the village again. My moral at the end of the story? “The bad guys deserve to be punished.”

I don't let the “bad guys” off because today many batterers are not punished sufficiently for how they ruin their partner’s and his/her children’s lives. Most seem to be great actors, great liars, and excellent at manipulation—of lawyers, judges, friends, family, bosses.

Fortunately, many professionals and others are becoming more savvy about domestic and dating violence. Newspapers are printing more stories about this serious problem; stars and others are "coming out" about their experiences. Books and essays are being written and laws changed.

Most important, more courts are becoming aware of the real picture behind the “nice guy” whose wife is “lying, exaggerating, or abusing” him. The percentage of abused men is very small compared to the percentage of abused women.

So let’s get real. Let’s put the bad guys in jail—for as long as we can. No more second and third chances when they violate the protective orders. No more light sentences when they cripple or kill their partners.

It’s time the victims got their due—safety and peace of mind.

NEW YEAR, NEW DREAMS

2012-01-04T05:51:00.000-08:00

2011 wasn’t the best year of my life, but it’s over. And before it was over, I was busy pursuing my dreams. The traditional route to publishing is shrinking daily, so it’s harder than ever to sell a book.

Given this fact of life, I’m pursuing my dream of publishing more children’s and YA books by sending queries about two books to multiple editors (unless they require exclusive submission). I put my HYPER HARRY kids’ book on Kindle last year and the paperback version should be available on Amazon before the end of January, 2012.

My husband doesn’t tell me I’m nuts, doesn’t seem to resent the time I spend every afternoon at my computer, and doesn’t complain about any expenses related to publishing, including the new printer we just bought.

It’s not that he’s perfect. It’s just that we’re partners. I don’t complain about the time and expense of his dreams, either. He’d love to make a 3^rd hole in one, grow perfect veggies in his garden, and create new flower gardens when he’s bored with the old ones. This is how he loves to spend his free time. It makes him happy. He doesn’t throw cold water on my dreams, so why would I throw cold water on his?

Yet that is what battered women (most batterers are men) live with every day. Cold water thrown on everything they do, from laundry, to cooking, to child care. How can they dare to dream when they’re so busy trying to do daily tasks perfectly and always failing, at least according to the batterer?

I say, if you have dreams, follow them. If someone tells you they’re stupid or refuses to support your efforts, something is WRONG.

Everyone deserves to dream!

NEW YEAR, NEW LIFE?

2012-01-01T08:41:00.000-08:00

January First shows up and all of a sudden, I'm thinking, what happened last year? What might happen this year? What did I do to contribute to this world, if anything? What could I have done better, or worse?

I think about last year and know I probably could have done more—for myself, my husband, my family, and others. On the other hand, I could have done less.

So I’ve got a couple choices when I think about 2011.

1. I can beat myself up. Tell myself I didn’t have that productive a year and could have done better. Could have done more, lots more.

2. Or I can list what I did that was generous, productive, helpful, or kind. It can be an eye-opener, those times you did for others before you did for yourself.

But I need to think about balance, too. This year, I plan to do for others, but I plan to do for myself, too. I plan to work on a tough new project. I'm going to try to sell one of my children's or YA books. I'm going to continue my blog. I plan to support any friend who needs it, since so many people supported me this past year when I needed it.

So 2012 is an open slate, and so am I. Do I record the good and the bad from 2011? Erase the good and agonize over the bad? Erase the bad and pat myself on the back?

It’s up to me. I want to do it all. Oops, Gloria Steinem is sneaking in.

Correction: I want 2012 to be a good year. And I want the choices I make to be mine.

How about you?
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RESOLUTIONS

2011-12-29T14:59:00.000-08:00

Okay, I’m thinking about them. As usual, I want to lose weight, though I'm about 15 pounds less than I was last year. I’d also like to clean out more closets. Instead of the usual Middle-Grade and Young Adult fiction I write, I want to try something new--non-fiction. And I want to keep my prayer list active. I'm not really religious, but I believe in prayer because it is about love and concern. How could that not help?

I consider myself lucky. I set my own resolutions and no one tells me what they should be. I love having the freedom to write what I want, when I want. This means I set my priorities re: writing vs. other activities or responsibilities. I don’t have to justify how I spend my time. No one tells me what I should do instead or that I can’t write until I’ve done what he wants me to do or thinks is more important.

My resolutions are my own, based on my needs, my passions, and my priorities.

Are yours?

RESOLUTIONS

Okay, I’m thinking about them. As usual, I want to lose weight, though I am about 10 pounds less than I was in October. I’d like to clean out more closets. Instead of the usual Middle-Grade and Young Adult fiction I write, I want to try something new. A biography of my life as a social worker whose clients were more often children than adults, which will include parts of this my blog and my work with kids at a domestic violence shelter.

I have the freedom to write what I want, when I want, which amounts to how I set my priorities re: other activities or responsibilities. I don’t have to justify how I spend my time. No one tells me what I should do instead or that I can’t write until I’ve done what he wants me to do or thinks is more important.

My resolutions are my own, based on my needs, my priorities, and my desires.

Are yours?

CLEAN UP

2011-12-26T13:33:00.000-08:00

Let's face it. Christmas (or any holiday) is lots of work. It sneaks up quickly and is over even faster.
Mine was like that, but I had fun and the family helped me with dinner and clean up. They did the dishes, took their presents when they left, and contributed to a quiet, happy day.

My family isn't perfect or unusual. It's just that when we get together, we usually get along. We are not in power struggles, there isn't a "boss," and usually, we have fun. At a larger family gathering Christmas Eve day, we had three new nephews that livened everything up. It's great to see "kids" grown up, having their families, and enjoying the process, except maybe for the sleep deprivation.

One thing about living in a violent home is that you can't count on having a happy holiday. You've probably experienced happy holidays, but if many were full of the batterer's control games, cruelty, or abuse you can't count on enjoying the one coming up. Every holiday is new, unknown, and likely to be threatening for those reasons.

Too bad there isn't a way to keep the batterer's control out of the holiday. To allow everyone to enjoy it their way, to experience freedom of speech, the right to spend time with any family member you choose, to not worry what consequences await you when you're back home and you've made a mistake the batterer is angry about.

Most of all, wouldn't it be wonderful for kids to experience a fun, happy day with no "boss" over Mom, no one who rates mistakes and punishes her afterward. I don't think batterers consider how much they hurt the children when they hurt their mother. Obsession doesn't allow the batterer to truly think of others, but only how others fit into their plan. And it's not a nice one.

I hope 2012 is a year when victims of batterers figure out how next Christmas will be different--especially for their children.

ANTICIPATION

2011-12-23T09:41:00.000-08:00

Anticipation is a funny thing. It can make us excited, impatient, happy when something good is going to happen.

When anticipation is paired with dread--will he get drunk on Xmas and beat me up? Will he blame me if the Xmas meal isn't perfectly cooked? Will he destroy his or others' presents because they don't "clean up the mess"?

Holidays do have a little dread for those of us who do most of the shopping, planning, cooking, present buying and wrapping, getting everyone to events, etc. The dread is caused mainly by the extra stress and tasks of the holiday. It is not laced with fear, negative expectations, attempts to avoid mistakes or conflicts of any kind.

I feel blessed that I'm just more stressed at Xmastime. What's mixed in with your anticipation?
I hope it's only good things. If it isn't, you're on my prayer list.
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LAST MINUTE

2011-12-20T13:18:00.000-08:00

You think you're done with buying, ordering, wrapping Christmas presents and then some manufacturer puts a back order on your daughter's rainsuit--to January 31st. Oh boy. I canceled that and ordered another that ought to get here right after New Year's. Not my fault, but annoying because she won't have it for Christmas, works outside a lot and needs it.

She won't be mad. It's not my fault. I can make mistakes or disappoint my family any number of times and they won't be nasty. I do the same for them. Things happen. People mess up. Companies mess up. Beating someone up emotionally won't change anything.

Too bad batterers don't feel that way. Beating someone up emotionally or physically is what they do. Forgiving, understanding, and accepting is not what they do. I'm glad for my family--warts and all. I don't have to be perfect and neither do they.

If you mess up and pay dearly for it, something's wrong. Someone is wrong.
And it's not you.
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CARDS

2011-12-17T08:31:00.000-08:00

'Tis the season to hear from old friends and family you don't see very often. I love my Christmas cards. The colors, the glitter, the feelings.

I love catching up with everyone, whether it's good or bad news. I love the family pictures. The cards with their kids have become grandkids, sometimes looking remarkably like their parents when they were the same age; sometimes showing a different gene pool. It's life at its most condensed and to me, most precious.

My Christmas card and letter bring people up to date on our year, too. I feel free to share any family problems and accomplishments. I let people know about our health. It's laid out there because it can be.

But what about cards or letters sent by battered women? Can they lay it out there? Who would want to? It not only hurts to have so little control over your life; it's humiliating. Those who receiver her cards remember her as she was. Only she's not the same.

I hope your Christmas cards and letters are open and honest--portraying your life with its normal warts and surprises.

And I send prayers for those who can't tell the truth. It hurts all of us.
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THE MENU

2011-12-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

Our Christmas dinners have changed over the years. First it was usually ham, then it was lasagna so it could be done ahead. Now my grown kids want beef--their own organic beef bought as a 1/2 cow from a local farmer.

What's the big deal? Early on, it was my decision, based on how much time I had to cook for Christmas. Now it's a family decision. It's not dictated by a partner who needs to control every single thing to do with my house and family. There are no games--"I'll let you know." Or, "I'll give you a list--see if I forgot anything." "Or, "You give me a list and we'll see."

Most batterers can't let their victim make decisions and do normal things on her own. Sometimes that's good. Because God forbid she makes a mistake or displeases him. Then she's in more trouble than ever.

Who decides on Christmas dinner in your house, and why?
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THE TREE

2011-12-11T07:59:00.000-08:00

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the tree. I'm willing to go with the smaller, artificial type, but hubby is not ready. So we did our annual trek to a friend's tree farm and found a huge tree for daughter and son-in-law, and a smaller one for us.

It was cold, but we walked around looking at every candidate, arguing its merits, agreeing "that's the one" only to spot a better tree two minutes later. Finally, son-in-law cut down the trees, dh and he loaded them into his truck bed and off we went. Their tree, as did ours, barely fit through the front door, but smelled good and was set up without too much consternation. Laughter was part of the chore, and anticipation of lights and decorations made us happy.

The tree symbolizes family to so many Christians and others. It is a gathering place, a giver of surprises, a tradition of love and a work of art.

Some families don't have the same feelings about their trees. Some families have seen trees destroyed, along with warm Holiday traditions, by a batterer. His temper is a flag that never stops flying, even on Christmas day.
'

CHECK POINT CHARLIE

2011-12-08T16:28:00.000-08:00

I went through Check Point Charlie in East Berlin when the concrete Wall that divided East and West Germany for twenty-eight years was almost finished. I was a Junior ("Tertian") at St. Andrews University in Scotland and on vacation. And I was thrilled I could take a day trip to a Communist country.

It turned out my visit was more frightening than thrilling. WWII ruins still covered bombed out building lots. Ugly buildings (for the most part), obvious signs of poverty, tension in the streets, the museums, stores, and restaurants told me this was nothing like America, or the modern, democratic city of West Berlin I'd just left.

There wasn't much talking in the restaurant where I had lunch and I had to pay the equvalent of 5 cents to obtain a cube of sugar for my coffee. A guard followed me from room to room in the Pergamon Museum. Same thing in another one. There were few or no visitors besides me in these incredible museums, one with the huge, original Altar of Zeus, the other with a beautiful bust of Nefertiti in a tiny, climate-controlled room.

I had a headache before it was time to return to the Youth Hostel in West Berlin and I rarely get headaches. It was the tension, the feeling of being watched, being questioned before I was allowed to enter East Berlin, being searched when I returned. It was the soldier's gun pointed at me when I tried to take a picture of a government building. I felt alien, unwelcome, threatened and somehow threatening to those on the Soviet side of the wall.

I guess there's something of the experience of the battered woman in this long-ago visit. I felt like I was in trouble, but didn't know what I'd done wrong. I felt smothered by eyes and bodies that watched and waited for me to mess up so they could pounce on me.

I was ever so grateful to return to the hostel that night. Glad to feel free, relaxed, and accepted again. All it took was to ride the U-Bahn back to West Berlin and my psyche swung back to normal.

What U-Bahn is there for the battered woman? How does she escape the threats that torture her and the batterer who makes them?

You can live in America and not be free. Ask any victim of violence in her own home.
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CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

2011-12-05T11:31:00.001-08:00

Wow. How fast Christmas is approaching. My daughter and son-in-law's "wish" lists aren't that long, but already I've run into one gift that probably won't be here in time for Christmas. Guess my daughter will be getting a picture of that gift. My son-in-law is researching which technology he wants for his gift. Next week maybe we can get his stuff. Hubby's gifts were easy, bless him.

Then there's the food shopping for 12-25. Our famly has breakfast together Christmas morning. Then we open our gifts, relax and/or cook dinner. My food list is ready and it's short. And my daughter will help with preparations.

I used to stress over all the Christmas preparations, presents, parties, etc. With good reason. We used to exchange gifts with my husband's large family as well as my own. Now my side of the family does a "Yankee Auction"--one gift per person and it's FUN.

Another big change? I ask for help. My generation was sucked into Gloria Steinhem's philosophy. We were supposed to be able to have it all and do it all.

Then I realized Gloria Steinhem lived in an apartment with her husband, never cooked a meal, didn't have kids and probably had "help." She did have it all, or at least had it easier than I had it with working, raising two kids, keeping hubby happy, and doing all the social/recreational stuff that goes with extended families.

So I changed as my life changed. My biggest change? Now I ask for help.

Easy for me to do, but probably not possible in a batterer's home. After all, the victim is expected to do it all without error, without complaint, whether sick or well, whether injured or not. She must do what she is told or what she thinks will mollify her abuser.

She probably doesn't have a lot of time or energy to think about Steinhem or women's rights.
But I'll think of her and hope someday it comes to her, like it did to me, that I have needs, too and they don't all have to be dumped in order to make other people happy.
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DECORATIONS

2011-12-02T11:55:00.000-08:00

Yup. It's that time of year again. Bring the boxes down from the attic. Open them up, unwrap each "treasure," remember where you bought this decoration or who gave it to you.

My favorite is a cloth wreath with a 3-D Santa, his sleigh and four little reindeers perched on top. That was a doozy to make. Stuffing all the animals, Santa, and the sleigh. What was I thinking when I bought the kit? I don't even like to sew! But twenty years later, I'm glad I have it. Looks brand new and brightens the corner wall it fills.

Three Santas, holiday couch pillows, a tiny, perfect wooden sled, an angel, choir boys, a cloth Christmas tree my nephew and his mom made so long ago. They are treasures to me.

I still buy a new decoration most years and give my daughter some of mine after the holiday. They represent a stressful but happy time when I get to see more of friends and family. When we share memories, greet new babies, spoil our two little neighborhood friends next door.

The shelter was already decorated for Christmas when I went this week. Three pretty trees and three rooms downstairs about to be so stuffed with donations for kids and women this week that groups had to be called off next week.

I'm grateful for those who remember that everyone doesn't have a picture book kind of holiday, that shelter residents need all the cheer and support they can get.

Thank you, those who remember to help them. They will be glad you did.
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HOLIDAYS

2011-11-29T08:15:00.000-08:00

Holidays are a mixed bag for most people. They bring happy and sad memories, especially of departed loved ones. They're full of fun and stress. They're exhausting and exhilerating. You get used to it.

But what if the usual joy of the holidays is tainted with fear? Fear that you'll do something your partner doesn't like. Fear that he'll blame you for the kids' misbehavior in church. Resentment that your inlaws or family seem unaware of the scary, painful life you live.

And what if you're only ten and your father throws the Christmas tree into the street because dinner wasn't ready on time or some other horrible crime (in his opinion)?

This year, I'm sucking up holiday stress because mine is a nit compared to someone who must be perfect--or else.
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CHOICES

2011-11-26T07:36:00.000-08:00

We all have choices. Those of us fortunate enough to live with a good partner have as many choices as we want. We may not agree with our partner's choices but we can compromise or choose not to "go along."

Not so with a battered partner. Her choices are related to her batterer's choices and rarely do they coincide with her own. Simple things like what to wear, how to spend her "allowance", whether or not she has a phone, car, job, friends, family contacts, and the million little parts of our lives that involve choices are longer under her control.

It is a life of suppression and it is bad.

Every day I pray that batterers learn how wrong they are and begin to see and treat their partners as equals, which they should be.

Think of your freedoms if you are not a victim of domestic or dating violence and be thankful every day for what you are able to do. I sure am.
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PHONE CALLS

2011-11-23T07:57:00.000-08:00

Recently, I was sick. Sometimes too exhausted to talk even to my dearest friends and relatives. But they kept calling. Their calls were encouraging and full of love. I felt blessed and I always felt happier and more energetic after talking to them.

Now consider the battered woman. If her partner allows her to have a phone, it must be used very carefully and mostly when he is not around. Even phone calls are on the danger list. They are checked, as is any computer use. Sites for victims of battering have quick exit buttons in case the batterer shows up when she is seeking information or help.

It is a tortured way of life, constantly looking over your shoulder. Monitoring any behavior that might set him off.

It is a way so heinous I pray for its victims every day. I pray for their freedom from fear.

GIVING THANKS...OR NOT

2011-11-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

Batterers have a really skewed view of love. They believe that if someone really loves you, they will do everything for you and they will do it the instant you ask and they will do it perfectly.

Where does that leave his partner the option of doing something for herself, for finishing what she's working on, for remembering everything the batterer has demanded of her, and for never making a mistake?

The batterer doesn't leave his victim those options unless he's "making up" for his last tirade, beating, or inexcusable cruelty. Otherwise, he has no tolerance for human imperfection because somehow that means you don't love him enough.

Nothing makes him more fuious. Nothing makes him want to "fix" you, or scare you until you try so hard to be perfect for him that you believe his slurs and insults and spend all the time you can trying to do everything exactly right. Soon his needs come before the kids', your family's, and most of all, your own.

If you are not thankful for the partner in your life this Thanksgiving, something's wrong. And love has nothing to do with it.

THE SHATTERED LIFE

2011-11-09T14:09:00.000-08:00

Some teens and women grow up in normal homes--however you define that. They can still fall in love with the supreme actor and manipulator that batterers can be.

But the teen or woman who has grown up in a home where violence is part of life, who has experienced abuse from family members(s), and thinks this is normal or at least inescapable, is much more at risk for repeating the cycle.

Just as growing up in a home where alcohol, substances, sex, or food are used to meet other needs, an addictive home puts all its members at at risk to repeat a life of addiction or living with an addictive personality.

Batterers may have other addictions, but their main addiction is control. It is a true addiction. If it is withdrawn in any way (say, for example when his victim leaves), he reverts to a rage that probably started when he was very young and had no control. He is about as rational as a three-year-old who wants the lollipop now and is ready to get it by any means possible.

But he's not three years old, even if emotionally he may be "stuck" there. He is big, furious that his victim outwitted him. Strong, manipulative, able to pull in every resource he has to find out where she is and try to force her to come back.

And he often does. Not because she's such a weakling, but often because she is making rational choices. Maybe her teen wants to finish his Senior year of high school. Maybe he hasn't allowed her to work or has taken every paycheck she ever earned so he maintains economic as well as physical and emotional power over her. Maybe he has threatened to kill her dog, grab the kids and run, destroy her car.

What would you do? No quick answers here. You have to have lived with one of these guys to know why she doesn't always get away the first time.

Pray she gets away the next time, in case it's her last chance.
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LISTEN

2011-11-06T15:19:00.000-08:00

They don't khow how completely he's got the bases covered, including making his victim fear for her life if she leaves, threatening her that she'll lose the kids or get deported, since he holds her "papers." They don't know he he has allies who will help him find her, sometimes in the police department.

So don't bestow advice if someone discloses she needs to leave her batterer. You can offer her a room. You can give her the name of the National or Local Domestic Vioence Hot Line. You can treat her like she's doing the best she can, because she is.

And mostly, you can listen.
It might pay off when she decides she's had it and remembers your kindness.

The holdiay season is fast approaching and probably the worst time for victims of domestic violence.

So keep your eyes open, a welcome mat at your door, and your mouth shut.

And listen..
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LISTENING

2011-11-06T14:38:00.001-08:00

The women at the shelter have been nagged and insulted plenty. Everyone who learns that they're battered can't believe they don't "leave the jerk." Some friends or "safe" family may offer them a place to stay until they can establish their own home. Some offer money, help with the kids, even to "teach the creep a lesson."

They think they're helping and sometimes they are, if a battered woman's situation is critical enough.

Just one problem: they don't know how complex living with a batterer is. They don't know how manipulative, threatening, and smart he is. How he's got the bases cover, which includes making his victim afraid to leave for fear she'll "lose the kids," for fear that he'll kill her, for knowing that he has allies who will help him find her.

Never mind bestowing advice if someone discloses she needs to leave her batterer. You can offer her a room. You can give her the name of the National or Local Domestic Vioence Hot Line. You can treat her like she's doing the best she can, because she is.

And mostly, listen.
It might eventually pay off when she decides she's had it and remembers your kindness.

The holdiay season is probably the worst time for victims of domestic violence. Keep your eyes open, a welcome mat at your door, and your mouth shut.
'

ET TU, WEATHER!!!

2011-10-29T09:11:00.000-07:00

Not fair. October was starting to get cool, especially at night, but pretty typical and sunny. The leaves were even changing colors finally.

But that was yesterday. Today, gray, ugly, cold, raw. Feels like November and snow, which is predicted--as in 6-12 inches! DH had to scramble to ready the snow blower, though I called a plow backup guy. I had to find my "little" snow shovel for the back deck. What's up with this?

Boo. October is my favorite month, second only to May in New England. I want it to change back!
Maybe it will.

Who am I to think I can control the weather?

"TIRED" KIDS

2011-10-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

We've all seen them--in the schools, sitting on front stoops, hanging on the street. On the couch, thumbs flying; on their bed, doing homework.

And at the shelter. They look tired. The shoulders droop, the eyelids droop, the energy isn't there.
Sometimes they only look tired after school and recuperate. No prob. But some kids are tired all the time.
More kids than I remember when I was young. We were outside almost every day--playing baseball, running around, riding bikes, pushing scooters, roller skating, chasing, fighting, playing.

Bad weather--we were inside and played more quiet games. TV wasn't on all day. We watched it or listened to the radio mostly at night.

Yet kindergarten curriculum now has 20% less creative play than formerly, per research, and is insisting that many kids whose brain development isn't there yet learn to read. Gym is one hour a week, if the kids are lucky. Recess in some school systems is up to the teacher. It can be in the classroom.

And we wonder why kids are getting fatter in America?
I sure understand why they're getting "tired." Muscles must be used to develop and stay strong. Ditto the heart and lungs. And don't forget "feel good" chemicals in the brain--they are increased when vigorous exercise is routine.

Let's not blame all this on diet. Our diets sure weren't perfect.
Our kids need to MOVE, MOVE MORE, and MOVE MORE OFTEN! Especially at the shelter.
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"TIRED KIDS"

2011-10-26T12:31:00.001-07:00

We've all seen them--in the schools, sitting on front stoops, hanging on the street. On the couch, thumbs flying; on their bed, doing homework.

And at the shelter. They look tired. The shoulders droop, the eyelids droop, the energy isn't there.
Sometimes they only look tired after school and recuperate. No prob. But some kids are tired all the time.
More kids than I remember when I was young. We were outside almost every day--playing baseball, running around, riding bikes, pushing scooters, roller skating, chasing, fighting, playing.

Bad weather--we were inside and played more quiet games. TV wasn't on all day. We watched it or listened to the radio mostly at night.

Yet kindergarten curriculum now has 20% less creative play than formerly, per research, and is insisting that many kids whose brain development isn't there yet learn to read. Gym is one hour a week, if the kids are lucky. Recess in some school systems is up to the teacher. It can be in the classroom.

And we wonder why kids are getting fatter in America?
I sure understand why they're getting "tired." Muscles must be used to develop and stay strong. Ditto the heart and lungs. And don't forget "feel good" chemicals in the brain--they are increased when vigorous exercise is routine.

Let's not blame all this on diet. Our kids need to MOVE, MORE, and MORE OFTEN!
Especially at the shelter.
'

HER SMILE IS GONE

2011-10-22T14:49:00.000-07:00

A while ago I wrote about a little girl at the shelter who finally started smiling and talking in group after a long period of solemn silence.

Last week, she was solemn again. Not smiling, not talking, not happy.

And then I remembered this had happened with her twice before when the days shortened and school started--the same thing, three Octobers in a row! Some people respond to a lack of sunlight with sadness. I wondered if she was one of those.

Maybe there isn't a big change at home. Maybe she's doing okay in school.
Maybe she just needs to sit in front of a fluorescent light bar in the a.m. and p.m. for a while.

Take a vacation, Freud. Some mood changes aren't caused by bad experiences. I hope that's the case here. We'll let her mother know and hope she can take it from here.

I want to see that pretty smile again.
'

PLANNING THANKSGIVING DINNER

2011-10-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

It's not that easy, planning Thanksgiving dinner when you have 10 or more people coming. Luckily, my daughter wants to do her first Thanksgiving dinner with her aunt's and my help. We are all friends and we see family enough so we know who's best at making what. We decide on a menu and then decide who will bring the squash, the pies, the broccoli or green bean casserole, etc. It's always a lot of work, but it's not a lot of drama.

Some families don't see each other from year to year, or don't enjoy their visits very much. The victim of battering dreads these get togethers when they happen. She hopes she doesn't have visible bruises, a limp or a sprained wrist. She hopes her batterer doesn't get into a fight with someone, humiliate her with verbal abuse, or drink too much.

My family is not perfect, but I am eternally grateful I don't have to worry about any of the above. That's what I plan to give thanks for this Thanksgiving. I hope you can, too.
'

THE SHELTER'S AUTUMN CHILL

2011-10-16T13:03:00.000-07:00

The leaves aren't quite as pretty as usual in New England this year, but they're floating down in big bunches and they're pretty enough. The breezes have become wind; the cool nights, cold. The little kids next door stay inside more and it gets dark earlier.

Fall is a bittersweet time for shelter residents or anyone living with a batterer. This is a time when the holidays of every country and culture bring families together. For most families it's a good time to catch up. To talk, plan ahead, share dishes, meet the new babies, and generally renew relationships.

This is not a good time for most victims of domestic violence. If they've escaped their abuser, every gathering can renew anxiety, dredge up resentment toward family and friends who didn't help or didn't believe them, and slap them with painful memories. Sometimes their abuser "shows up" at a party and isn't made to leave. Sometimes he follows his victim to the party, or home. Restraining orders are worth much to the really obsessed abuser.

The women I've talked to or whose experiences I've heard or read about, may take many years to stop looking over their shoulders. Sometimes, they never stop looking.

Too bad we can't figure out a really effective way to bestow these burdens on batterers. Let them look around before they leave the car or enter the house. Let them look over their shoulders.

Let them be afraid.
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BASKETBALL CLINIC

2011-10-12T13:50:00.000-07:00

We had tons of kids at the shelter last night, but not for groups--for a basketball clinic! One volunteer, a coach and recruiter from a state university, joined us on many group nights this past summer to teach kids how to play basketball on the shelter's tiny "court."

We rarely have male volunteers, so the kids looked up to him, listened, tried hard, especially since he's patient and fun.

This night, two brothers didn't get to go to the clinic. They followed us to the group area and were soooo disappointed. Then someone called for them. Talk about "lighting up your life"--you should have seen their faces.

Lots of our kids are poor and don't always have opportunities to develop their passions. I know, I know--lots of young kids dream of being a pro basketball player, but shelter kids really need someone to help them be good at what they love. It's about being important to someone they admire. About getting the high five, the "good job!", the smile, and positive attention.

It's a different deal from the dad or father figure/partner they left at home. This is about caring, not a demand that they be perfect. Every kid needs that, but shelter kids need it more.
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TOXIC NEIGHBORS

2011-10-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

We live in a fairly rural area. We have 400 acres of farmland across the street and one neighbor on each side. The neighbor to our right lives elsewhere and comes home mainly to cut the grass and plow the driveway if needed.

The neighbors to our left are now great friends and we feel blessed to have them, especially since their kids love to visit!

But all neighbors aren't great. When we were first married, we lived in a 3-room, l-bath apartment in a large city. Next door we had a guy who was loud, possibly an alcoholic, and occasionally seemed abusive to his wife and neglectful toward his infant son. Since then, we've had better neighbors--some of them still friends though far away.

I wonder about the women at the shelter. Did they feel blessed to have good neighbors, ones who will help when needed, share life's ups and downs, and not add stress or discomfort to your life?

We didn't call the police about our first neighbors or child protective services, either. I guess that made us bad neighbors. We felt uneasy around them, said hello if we saw them, made no attempt to socialize.

Domestic violence can be too quiet for neighbors to hear, although emotional battering such as constant criticizing, threats, manipulation and degrading talk can hurt a victim more than physical violence. Neighbors might not know what's going on. But if DV is physical, it is usually loud. It's hard not to hear the shouting, threats, thumps against the wall, sudden silences.

What would you do?
What is being a good neighbor in this case?
'

"OUTSIDE" LITTLE GIRL

2011-10-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

We have more kids attending groups who live outside the shelter than live at the shelter.
Some of them used to live there and return for group while Mom is attending her group. Some hear about the shelter's groups for battered women and come before things get too bad.

Last night, a young woman showed up with her little girl fifteen minutes before groups started. Her child was sound asleep in a stroller. The woman was well dressed, well-spoken, and sure her daughter would do "fine" without her for group time.

It worried me a little, as many "new" kids, especially those under six, cry so hard and long their first playtime that they have to be taken back to their moms before group time is over.

But this mom was right. She stayed with her little girl in the children's area for a few minutes, then firmly told her she'd be back in a while. The child, whose language was excellent for her age, was obviously well cared-for. Though she got a bit teary after a few minutes, she readily accepted the attention of a babysitter and later, me when she was playing with the doll house.

This tells me a lot. She trusts people. She trusts that Mom will do what she promises. She's happy and outgoing.

This mom has done something very loving. She's working on her relationship problems with a batterer to improve her daughter's life as well as her own, before she or her child is significantly damaged by him. Another hero, as far as I'm concerned.

We have a lot of them.
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CHILDREN AND AGGRESSION

2011-10-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

            When I was a kid, I played cowboys and Indians with my neighborhood friends all the time. We ran around shooting each other and screaming as if the decibel level alone would kill. I loved TV heroes like Gene Autry and the Lone Ranger. And I loved my cowgirl outfit and gun.
            We never considered calling “Indians” something politically correct like “Native Americans.” Our game was purely about pretending to be bad. It was about having fun getting rid of excess energy, creating stories, winning and losing, and the “good guys” defeating the “bad.”
            Today, there’s no dearth of "good" or “bad” guys. But they're not on the playground or running around the back yard.
           They’re real, older than we were, and it can be hard to tell which category they’re in. They shoot each other to dominate a drug territory or another gang, for vengeance, for pride, for money. And a lot of kids and teens are getting killed.
            It's obvious to me how many kids and teens today prefer violent digital games, play them constantly, and think they’re “exciting” and “fun.” Bullies are different, too. They no longer just beat kids up. They threaten other kids, steal from them, sexually assault them, insult or lie about them on Facebook, sometimes verbally torture them into leaving school or committing suicide.
            Maybe it was better the old-fashioned way, when young kids played at being “bad” and “dangerous” instead of being obsessed with violent digital games, fearful of abusive peers, and dealing with gang recruiters when they’re only in third or fourth grade.
            The kids at the shelter often dress up as aggressive, “good” heroes on Halloween. Sometimes they carry swords, knives, or guns as part of their costume. Other kids often grab the “weapons” and start a play fight.
            This doesn’t mean they will be batterers when they grow up. I “killed” lots of stage coach robbers and Indians when I was little and I’m okay.
            I just wonder if today’s kids might be better off expressing aggression through their play, instead of becoming immune to violence through their thumbs.
            Maybe we should bring back the fringed jackets, fake Stetsons, gun belts, moccasins, tomahawks, and feathers.
            Or something.

STORM IRENE AND THE SHELTER

2011-09-30T09:26:00.000-07:00

My town was hit hard by Storm Irene and so was our property. We had no power for six days. 40 square feet of wooden kitchen floor was ruined (from ice melting out of the refrigerator). We lost all our food from refrigerator/freezer and a freezer, including homemade soup and casseroles I froze for those "crazy, no-time-for-cooking" days. A nice apple tree down. Huge branch from our neighbor’s yard split off big tree and ended up in our yard, taking out a couple small trees.

Luckily, insurance paid for everything. Today and this weekend, two men will replace the ruined flooring, sand the kitchen and dining room floors and put three coats of polyurethane on new and existing flooring.

It took lots of phone time getting estimates, being there when the tree men came, taking everything out of the dining room except the big pieces, emptying out the china closet, bar, and music cabinet, plus no kitchen or dining room for most of the next three days.

I'd envy the people at the shelter, since they didn’t lose power for a minute...except my losses and inconveniences are a NIT compared to moving yourself and your kids out of your home, finding a different job and place to live, doing without your regular clothes, possessions, and privacy, going to court (sometimes several times), and enrolling the kids in a different school. And I’m not even talking the emotional losses.

Good thing I write this blog. It sure puts things in perspective.

SHELTER KIDS AND SCHOOL

2011-09-27T13:11:00.000-07:00

Kids are back in school. For many, it's a happy time, one they've looked forward to.
That's not the case with many children, however, especially if they live in any kind of shelter, including foster homes and institutions.

Kids who do not live at home with their parent(s) are especially vulnerable at school because:

*Their mother may not be able to attend the Parent/Teacher conference because she has no transportation, her work hours don't fit the conference schedule, or shelter curfew is too early.
*The adult in contact with the teacher about the child may be a social worker.
*These kids may not dress well at first, especially if they moved to a shelter or foster home shortly before returning to school.
*Their parent may have so many problems, the kids don't want them to visit the school.
*Bullies are sure to notice them and have a field day with their lack of "style," imperfections, and arrival via the "baby bus."
*Teachers may show their frustration in having to call or email a parent many times, sometimes without success or a response of any kind.
*A child's school records, including immunizations, may be difficult to obtain.
*The child may need extra help because of frequent moves, an undiagnosed learning disability, poor behavior or lack of concentration due to depression, anxiety, or insufficient rest.

When I worked as a school social worker, the teachers who made children from non-typical homes happiest were those who protected the child's differences and made an effort to pair him or her up with a popular, nice kid.

There's no reason to punish a child whose parents can't take care of him. He's been punished enough already.
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KIDS HELPING KIDS

2011-09-24T14:46:00.000-07:00

Elementary teachers want books to read to their class about kids in shelters but there are very few books written on this topic.

So I decided to write a picture book about one of the best traits of most older kids at the shelter: they help, protect, console, and pay attention to kids younger than they are.

Most little kids at the shelter seem to respond to and trust older kids before they accept the large group of available women. They talk to the "big kids", play with them, climb into their laps, follow them around.

Older kids know who the bullies are and watch out for the "babies." They give them part of a treat, bring a toy to them in the high chair, grab dangerous or dirty things from them. They aren't usually asked to do this, either.

Some of this may be related to having been in a parental role at home when Mom is out of commission. But many kids who aren't expected to take over at home also show these kind behaviors to younger sibs and other children.

In fact, many a teacher, social worker, psychologist, nurse, doctor, etc. grew up looking out for younger kids or were the oldest child in the family.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if these shelter kids turned their negative childhood experience of having to parent younger siblings into a job in which they help or teach children all the time?

Works for me.
'

NEW KID: TESTING: 1, 2, 3...

2011-09-21T14:44:00.000-07:00

Most kids come to the shelter dazed, sad, unsure of the future. A few come with a chip on their shoulder or ready laughter that mocks or interrupts.These kids are in the minority and usually older elementary age boys. Under their surface behavior may lie tremendous anger, self-hatred, or fear which may erupt when they're comfortable with the group process.

"JoJo" is a well-spoken, tall boy who is friendly and co-operative at supper. He's nice to the children nearby, though he demands much attention with rapid, friendly conversation. Group revealed a very different child. The rule is, everyone must listen to the child telling a "story," and then me re-telling that story.

Unfortunately, JoJo had no use for rules. He corrected or added to the storyteller's words, despite my reminding him of the rules. I moved his chair out of the group circle, telling him I would give him a check for every interruption from then on, and that three checks meant he would get 5 minutes Time Out while the others kids played. He kept talking, moved his chair back into the circle and argued when I directed him back to his former spot. He quickly earned three checks.

The other kids began to giggle, talk, and react to my unusually frequent limit-setting. His disobedience and my stern response no doubt made them nervous. "That's three," I said quietly when JoJo kept talking. "You will sit for 5 minutes while others play." He shrugged, laughed, and insulted the storyteller who had a poor command of English.

"And," I added. "You're still interrupting, so that's one check on 5 more minutes of Time Out."
He stopped misbehaving. When it was my turn to re-tell the story, I let him return to the group. I told him he'd earned his way back, but the rules hadn't changed. No prob. From then on, he was a model citizen. He did his 5 minutes Time Out without argument and didn't earn 5 more. I acknowledged that achievement briefly, but did not overly praise. He should do what he is told.

Kids like JoJo who reside in a domestic violence shelter (and many others who don't), may not be used to a strong woman in their home. I must earn their respect. Meanwhile, their testing may escalate very fast as they test me to see if I will yell, hit, threaten something dire, etc.

Some shelter moms who battle this lack of respect at home thanks to the batterer, immediately become strong parents at the shelter. Others continue to accept their children's demands, refusals, and arguing until the other mothers teach them they deserve better.

I think JoJo did learn something from me. He found out violence does not have to be part of an adult's repertoire, no matter how annoying a child is.
Will he make this knowledge part of his future relationships? I sure hope so.
'

THE CHILD WHO CAN DO NO RIGHT

2011-09-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

Underneath every batterer, I'm convinced, is a child who could do no right.
He may have suffered the same demand for perfection he now demands from his wife and kids.
He may have been hit or humiliated whenever he messed up.
He may have watched his mother treated like a child or Medieval servant.
He, himself was significantly abused.

Nonetheless, the batterer's teen and adult children, like he did, have choices:
*They can try to be a "good" partner and father, though they may be very hard on themselves if they think they have failed in this role.
*If the batterer's kids have identified with the "all-knowing" father who demands respect and obedience through control and abuse, they may not be interested in being "good." They, too will want compliance, control, and obedience at home. They will see their wives as children, that is, as objects who must obey, learn from him, respect his strength and superiority.

Why do some boys from violent homes decide to be "good," while others repeat their violent homelives in the next generation? I suspect biological/intellectual factors are at work. Strong will, impulsivity, ability to empathize (or not), compulsivity, obsessive thoughts, skill at manipulation, environment (past and present), economic status, and countless others variables determine which path a boy takes when he's grown.

This path is determined early. It may be why so many mothers with children come into the shelter, especially mothers with boys 6-11, many of whom are already acting like the batterer in some ways. And let's not forget the girls. They may already be programmed to love someone "nice", who becomes cruel, but whom they desperately hope will become "nice" again.

That's what the domestic violence shelter is for. To protect, to separate, to expand options, to teach, to provide, and to allow.
It's too bad there aren't more of them.
'

KIDS WHO DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THE SHELTER

2011-09-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

It's a dilemma. Sometimes Mom wants to leave the shelter but her kids don't.
How could that be, you're probably asking? Don't they want to live in their own place instead of in one room? Do they want to go home because they miss Dad? Are they afraid they'll never see people they've come to love after they leave?
Yup, any or all of the above.

Some women cannot take the lack of privacy in the shelter. Their own room is their personal space, but they have to share it with their children or another woman. Some are anxious to rent an apartment and live independently from their batterer. They work hard, save money, find a place and leave. Some of them will come back for group meetings and bring the children. Many won't ever return.

Going to a domestic shelter or any shelter is an admission of helplessness, failure, and fear. It takes an overwhelming need to enter one and incredible courage to stay long enough to establish a new life away from the batterer.

For some children, the shelter becomes the first place they've ever felt safe. They often have to change schools, leave clothes, pets, and their favorite possessions behind. But they find other kids in the same boat. They begin to make friends, soon feel like siblings, and know which mothers will nurture them when theirs cannot.

They may wish they had their own room again. They may miss a more secure lifestyle and the people, including the batterer that they left. But when Mom starts talking about leaving, their initial reaction is more often fear, sadness, or confusion than the "Yay!" you might expect.

Leaving the shelter is for many children a huge loss. If they're returning to the batterer, they may have much to fear. If they're returning to their old schools, they will probably have to explain or lie about their absence.

Even when they see their new home, it is rarely as nice or in as good a neighborhood as the one they left. Yet when some return to the shelter for group, there is a relaxation in the mother and children; a normalization, a brow no longer furrowed with wrinkles or a frown.

Moving on is painful until it becomes home, especially when their "safe home" (the shelter) is still available for visits. How wise these kids are and how courageous their mothers.

There are a lot of them out there, more than you know. And I bet every single one is stronger than I would be in their situation.
"

SHELTER MOMS & WOMEN

2011-09-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

I've been volunteering at a domestic violence shelter for 4+ years. I provide play therapy and groups for kids from 3-teenage. Here's my routine: I arrive, check the office board to see who has left and who has arrived. I arrange chairs in my group space, sign in, and eat the supper I've brought--usually a tv dinner and fruit.

Supper time, about 45 minutes before group time, is when I meet the women and moms. Some kids are upstairs doing homework, getting bathed and in pj's (to avoid the rush after groups), or eating supper. This time is always interesting. Some women and kids are watching tv or a video. Some kids are playing or eating and talk to me while they play.

New women, identifiable by their sadness, slow movement, and glazed expressions, may wander around or cook something for supper. Sometimes they have wrists in a cast or an arm in a sling. Occasionally, they have a black eye or decided limp. They remind everyone there--adults and kids-- what they have escaped.

People tend to treat them gently, to offer help or food, to pick up their crying baby if they seem too exhausted to do so. Their sadness spreads over the room sometimes. It's more quiet. Kids look away or seek Mom. I breathe deeply and feel grateful that no boyfriend or my husband has ever treated me as his personal punching bag.

It's not that my marriage is perfect. It's that we like each other and we are equals. It's that we work things out, set aside the issue we can't solve yet, or give in when necessary. Violence is not needed. Control by fear and abuse is not part of our lives.

I'm not bragging. I'm grateful. Every time I go to the shelter I hope that every woman and child there will someday find a way to live without fear or violence--whether alone or with a different kind of partner. And every time I think of those who have succeeded in getting away from that life, I pray for those who left the shelter too soon. I hope they are all right, that someday their escape will "take."

But I let them go. There are new women and children at the shelter now, each one looking for a better life and I want to be part of that.
'

THE VERY QUIET SHELTER CHILD

2011-09-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

I define the "very quiet shelter child" as one living at the shelter or attending groups who doesn't talk much to adults or children. Often his affect is stunted, his facial expression dull. His voice is very low, his words unclear. He watches others' reactions to people or events before he reacts (if he reacts at all). Occasionally, a small smile may erupt, but it's fleeting and may never be seen again.

"Dani" is one of these children. He seems to have an invisible shield around himself. He sits in a chair, looks at his lap. Joins snack time at the table, looks at his plate. Goes outside and sits alone on the swing or watches the other kids play. His peers don't seem to dislike him, but they quickly stop trying to engage him in conversation or play.

This type of "shyness" isn't necessarily a serious problem. I've known many shy kids whose eye contact is poor, speech quiet, and decision to relate to me and others a cautious process. But in a couple weeks, they warm up and feel comfortable enough to take part like everyone else.

But if a child like "Dani" comes to group at the shelter, even sporadically, for two or three years and still isolates himself from others and hides his feelings, I am concerned. I wonder why it is so dangerous to be real. So frightening to share himself.

Sometimes I talk with the mother of a child like Dani. Often I don't. If she is attending the woman's group, she is where she needs to be. She is where I hope she will learn how to stop being a victim trapped in a dangerous life. Constantly afraid, constantly in pain.

Until she gets away from her batterer and becomes herself, however, her children may continue to be locked inside their shields. What they need most is to see Mom break out of hers. When she does, they will show me themselves. Become real, trust others.

Come on, Dani. I've seen it before and I'm waiting to see it again.
'

STORIES HELP SHELTER KIDS EXPRESS FEELINGS

2011-09-07T13:30:00.000-07:00

My professional training taught me not to get too close to clients. Not to feel too much. Not to express too much feeling.

Unfortunately, that doesn't work in a domestic violence shelter when my goal is to help kids show their true feelings. Heck, some of the kids I work with haven't even allowed themselves to experience, never mind express their feelings.

So I encourage, accept, and model feelings, especially during group time when confidentiality is expected both from me and the kids themselves.

When I ask little kids (aged 3-11) to tell a story in one of my groups, the rules are:
*The story should have a beginning, middle and end.
*It cannot be about themselves (this lessens anxiety and defensiveness)
*My story will start with the same characters in the same place as theirs, but it will be different.
*Everyone must listen quietly to both stories. (If they distract or disrupt the group, the threat of Time Out after group usually solves the problem because they don't want to lose any playtime.)

For their first story, many children re-tell a fairy tale or modern video. This can be a bit boring for the other kids, but tells me what they're struggling with. Even the first original story a child tells is usually quite tame, with one exception. If the storyteller has just left home, themes of fear, anger, or sadness may dominate the story, even if the child's facial expressions and voice remain neutral.

If the child attends enough groups, he learns about feelings from my stories. My story endings are not perfect. There's no, "And they lived happily ever after" in my stories). My endings are not disastrous, either. My characters struggle, are dramatically afraid, angry or sad, but they work toward a hopeful ending. Not an apocalyptic ending.

When the storyteller is done, I ask if he has a lesson for his story. The first story lesson might be, a shrug, or "It's a movie," or "She learned how to jump." After telling or hearing several "dual" stories, however, many kids progress to providing lessons that are every bit as good as mine.

This therapeutic technique is not rocket science. It's about challenging the beliefs a child has "learned" in the midst of craziness or confusion or any of the hard balls life tosses at him. It's about providing a more realistic view of the realities of life and love.

Mutual Storytelling is especially important for children who have experienced unusual stress or trauma because the difference between the two stories result in feelings. These feelings may upset a child for a week or two. They may also eventually help him choose a different path in life.

Maybe your child would enjoy telling you a story once a week or so.
It takes patience and courage to listen, to honestly to tell your story. But it's worth every minute of your precious time.
'

SHELTER LOVE NOTES #3: TALKING REAL

2011-09-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

Let's call him Joey. He's come to kids' group at the shelter for more than three years. The first time I met him, he kept his eyes down 95% of the time--on the floor, the table, his shoes. He didn't want to talk in group. Didn't want to do anything except play a game he'd brought from home. Rarely interacted with other kids, adults, or me. Everything was "good", "fine", "no problem."

Slowly, he started smiling some, then talking, then doing a "story" during group or an "ABC" exercise.

Even more important, he began to help me pick up when groups were over, which became the time he openly told me what was happening at home or on a trip or at school. And how he felt about it.

He shares his games now with the younger kids, or plays with games or toys the shelter or I supply. He's good to kids outside and never hits or insults anyone.

In fact, he's so good with the other kids, I told him I'd love to see him become a helper on group night when he's old enough. He smiled broadly, shrugged, said, "Maybe."

His card to me when I wasn't at the shelter? It was full of feelings and an important P.S. "I'm a uncle."

Wow. Can't wait to tell him how proud I am of him. Hope he has pictures.
'

SHELTER LOVE NOTES #2: A CHILD'S VOICE

2011-08-25T14:39:00.000-07:00

"Janey" is a pretty little girl. She's ten, tall for her age, with big brown eyes and shiny black hair. She first came to group about three years ago. When she played outside, she was active, a little aggressive, and smiled all the time. In group, she looked down, rarely talked and didn't want to do a "story".

She eventually began to share her frustration with school, how hard it was for her and how much she hated it. Occasionally, when she was upset, I met with her alone. Each individual meeting seemed, at most, to knock one brick off the wall she'd set up between her and me.

This year, she did story once, shared occasionally, and seemed to have decided I could be trusted.
The night I told the kids at the shelter I would be gone three or four weeks, she was one of two kids who uncharacteristically "blew up" before we left.

Her card was among the best in a well-done bunch of loving get-well cards the kids made for me. It showed me looking sad and walking toward a beautiful bed. There were balloons near the ceiling and slippers on the floor. Inside, her message was full of praise and love. More emotion than I'd ever seen her express, except in a crisis situation.

It goes to show that it's hard to know how much a child is taking in when you spend time with him or her. Almost impossible to tell how much is "getting through." Or what the child admires or doesn't like about you.

I'll be back at the shelter in a couple weeks. The children's cards made me realize that my time away from the shelter was a gift to all of us. Kids were confronted with loss but able to express their feelings more deeply.
What a gift to them and what a gift to me.
'

SHELTER LOVE NOTES #1:THE EMPTY UMBRELLA

2011-08-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

While I was out sick, the kids at the shelter created incredibly wonderful "Get Well" cards which I received last week.

These cards so moved me, I decided to share some of them. Though their creations often declare their feelings about me, they invariably reveal more than that.

I'll start with "Tony's" rich, beautifully drawn picture of himself as my hero. His sky overhead is heavy with black clouds. Rain pours copiously from all of them and a flash of yellow lightning bolts from one as well.

At the bottom, a well-dressed, unsmiling boy holds an empty, spindly umbrella high above his head. It has only spines, no cloth, so cannot keep the rain off him. His other hand is a large, clenched fist. The note under his picture says he's going to make sure "it" (my illness) "doesn't get any worse."

In this card lies the crux of the dilemna of any child growing up in violent home. In that world, he hates what happens to his mother, but feels helpless to protect her against the batterer. He isn't protected, either so he's angry, sad, and frusttrated. He desperately wants to help his mother, but his umbrella is no good.

Yet he keeps trying. Blames himself when he fails to rescue her. Wants to be stronger than the batterer.

How can I not hope will all my heart that he will treat his partner well when he is a man?
How can I not love him for wanting to?

To be continued...
'

TEACH CHILDREN SELF-CONTROL, NOT VIOLENCE

2011-08-19T14:13:00.000-07:00

Being a parent is the hardest job in the world. There were plenty of times the "urge to kill" reared its ugly head when my kids were acting obnoxious and Mom could do no right.

The one time I hit my daughter was when she was about 18 months. She was never allowed in the front yard, but one day, suddenly ran toward the street after I told her not to. I gave her two hard whacks with my hand on top of a fluffy diaper. I also raised my voice, which she wasn't used to, either. She was so shocked, she screamed like I'd really hurt her. But she never ran into or even toward the street again.

I consider this kind of "shock" discipline necessary when a child's well-being is the issue. Yet you often see or hear about mothers whacking their kids for being "fresh", "not listening", "hitting someone", etc. This is quick and easier than teaching a child about patience, self-control, and consequences.

Many people don't see how a simple technique like Time Out, early bedtime, loss of favorite toy or TV can work. Some think the only way to gain respect is to teach the child "who's boss" in a physical way. I used Time Out a lot with my kids. I usually gave them 5 or 10 minutes "time" and they had to sit on the stairs outside of my view and well separated from each other if both were in trouble for minor infractions. They couldn't talk, play, yell about how mean or unfair I was, or tease each other. If they did, I added more time on the buzzer and reminded them getting extra time was their choice.

They HATED it! When they grew up, they both said it was the worst punishment I gave them. Yet I didn't have to prove I was stronger (the "boss"), didn't have to inflict physical pain on them, and could continue whatever I was doing without noise and aggravation. My husband had the same philosophy, which helped a lot.

And my kids learned important life lessons:
*Parents don't have to hit you if you mess up. They can walk away and make you think about what you did by having you sit quietly and do nothing.
*Parents don't have to scream at you to get your attention or rid themselves of anger.
*Punishments can be short, but effective, especially when they're monumentally boring and provide no attention while you "do your time."
*Tantrums don't accomplish anything positive. Nor does cruelty.

I was far from the perfect parent. I was controlling, demanding, and expected far too much.
But I wasn't violent and my kids aren't violent.

At the shelter, mothers who grew up with violence often over-react or threaten a child. This doesn't last long because the shelter is a non-violent zone. I have seen mothers help each other with this problem. They may take over child care until a stressed-out mom calms down. They may ask staff to talk with her or teach her more appropriate discipline. Often, once this mom feels calmer and has stronger emotional reserves from living in a safe place, she stops using, or wishing she could use violence to control her kids.

Kids learn almost everything from their parents. What are we teaching them?
'

RECOVERING

2011-08-16T14:35:00.000-07:00

People often recover partly or completely from many physical, social, addictive, or mental illnesses.
It's a lot easier to do if they have support, love, good doctors or caretakers, and a strong desire to recover.

Battering interferes with that recovery in many ways:
*The batterer is not interested in his victim recovering. If s/he does, he loses control.
*The victim may need medical treatment for conditions related (or not) to the battering. The batterer isn't interested in the victim feeling better as s/he may become more independent and less amenable to his control in the process.
*The victim may have to put her children's medical, educational or emotional needs ahead of her own as batterers often take the victim's paycheck, refuse to let her work, or give her an "allowance".
*Victims are afraid to tell the doctors and other professionals what is happening to them or their children. Secrecy is demanded and maintained through the batterer's threats or actual malice against the victim, her children, or the family's pets.
*The desire to recover often gets submerged under the daily need to appease and please the batterer.
Depression and anxiety can paralyze the victim's sense of self, self-esteem, and self-preservation.

Recovery, under these circumstances, is almost a miracle and may require that the victim fight her way through all these problems so she can realize that staying with the batterer has become life-threatening.

If you are recovering from anything or anyone, think about the above. You may have had similar hard balls tossed at you. If you're reading this, and you've safely left your abuser, then you are the miracle.
'

THE LOVE & RESPECT OF CHILDREN IS EARNED

2011-08-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

I was not able to do my regular activities this week as I was sick. One of my regular and favorite activities is to play with the kids next door for 2 or 3 hours on Saturday afternoon. "Ginny" has been coming to our house most Saturdays for 3+ years. She's 5 and a half. Her brother, "Ted" now 3, has been coming with her for nine months. Since it appears we won't have grandkids, we feel very lucky to have these two smart, funny little friends who genuinely love us back and are happy to visit.

Our play varies every week. Sometimes it's kind of physical--"badminton" or "golf" with Wiffle balls in the rec room. Sometimes we have a drama with all kinds of sibling issues, usually involving a younger or older sister who is mean to a pet! Sometimes we repeat fairy tales, especially if they involve princes or princesses. Occasionally, "Ginny" decides on a drama about problems, like when you have to go to the doctor's because you're sick.

All these are dramas about normal kid issues. We usually (including sometimes my husband) play the normal age roles. Okay, sometimes "Ginny" is the mom and I'm the kid, but she takes good care of me. :)

You don't see significant violence, fear, anger, or lack of concern in "Ginny's" little plays. They work things out like their mom and dad do, like my husband and I did--without violence. That doesn't mean my little friends will never have any problems in life. Everyone does.

It means they probably won't have significant violence in their future marriages and homes because it's not typical and it's not allowed in theirs.

Too bad the batterers who set their children up for adult lives similar to their childhood lives can't see or wouldn't admit to the difference between play at the shelter and "Ginny" and "Ted's" play in my house.

Maybe batterers truly don't know the difference. Don't know "normal." Don't know how much harm their environments cause for all family members involved.

And that's even sadder.
'

NO SHELTER THIS WEEK

2011-08-09T14:48:00.000-07:00

I couldn't go to the shelter tonight, and miss the kids and my co-volunteers. I've worked there four and a half years, so I've seen many kids, women, and moms go through the program. I've seen many decide to go back to the batterer, too. I'm always happy if they return at a later date and make it through the long, tough road to recovery.

Funny how I never know what to expect or whom to expect. One mom who'd gone to another shelter returned to tell office workers about her job. A co-volunteer ran into a former shelter resident who is doing well and hoping to come to women's group and bring her child back to one of mine. Recently a young child expressed suicidal ideation. The team went right to work. I interviewed him in my supervisor's office. My supervisor went and brought his mother to talk with him and us. She took him to his regular therapist the next day and he's doing ok, last I heard. One week all the women had to leave because of a confidentiality breech. Another time, a huge tree limb destroyed a section of the playground fence so we had to restrict where the kids played.

The longer I volunteer at the shelter, the more my experience melds into my training. Every week is an education for me--in learning to be flexible and resourceful.

Shelter staff has no choice. They have to be flexible, resourceful, and work hard every single day.
Hats off to all of them!

SEPARATION ISN'T EASY FOR KIDS

2011-08-06T06:29:00.000-07:00

Separation from loved ones is very painful for kids. I've so often heard, "Kids are so resilient."
Yes, some are. But even the stronger ones suffer greatly when a loved one is lost.

We adopted my son from Korea when he was 18 months old. He lost his biological mother, culture, home, language, and any attachment to older girls at the orphanage who cared for him.

When he came, he was dazed after the long plane ride and still weak from a bout with the measles.
Thanks to a total flip-flop in day/night time in US vs Korea, he couldn't sleep at all the first night. Didn't sleep well for three nights. Didn't nap for almost a week. Often, he cried loudly and non-stop. He had night terrors. He wouldn't let me out of his sight. But he seemed to recover and at the end of four weeks, seemed "fine."

Yet all through his life so far, he has had trouble with separation. He reacts with anger at any significant loss. I saw the same phenomenon in children of all different ages whom I placed in foster or adoptive homes.

Don't assume the child is "fine" because he begins to eat, react, and socialize normally. There is often a volcano under the smiles. Depression under the fatigue and underachievement.

If the child has had a significant loss (and certainly shelter kids have had many), read stories to him that deal with moving, death of a grandparent, parent, or pet. Give the child toys that will express anger or allow destruction--soldiers, a doll house family, a doctor kit (you will get lots of shots and reflex testing), legos, blocks, and so on. Don't be afraid of his anger. It will subside. And the volcano will get smaller.

With that process, will come tears, frustration, questions, and memories.

You don't have to be a therapist to provide significant emotional help to a child who needs it. You're the one who knows him best and the one who will live with the volcano if it isn't recognized.

Give it a shot. I bet you'll be glad you did.

CHILDREN AND LOSS

2011-08-03T13:00:00.000-07:00

The weather was good last night, so we took the kids outside after groups. Our new-ish volunteer, "Coach", handed out basketball camp tee shirts and the kids got to play a "real" game. One three-year-old's tee was so long, he resembled a tiny, but proud monk!

Just before snack time, a mother I didn't know introduced herself and her three-year-old son to me. She wanted to see what playtime was about. As we talked, she revealed she'd just arrived at the shelter and was exhausted.No wonder! She'd boxed and put everything she owned into storage that very day. Including her son's big wheel, bike, and toys.

Kids' favorite possessions, which might even be their teddy, doll, or binky, are a big loss, though they may not be aware of it for a couple days. Getting used to all the kids and adults in the shelter demands tremendous emotional energy.

Gradually they realize what's missing. Ask for their toys, then their father, grandparents, pet, neighborhood friends, home, privacy, bedroom, teacher, favorite foods and clothes.

They lose whatever sources of stress they had at home and have to deal with those inherent in living in a shelter. Some children have to learn or improve their English. Adjust to Mom's mood swings as she begins to feel safe enough to express her real emotions.

Many must attend a new school, day care, or camp. Find out Mom doesn't have the money to buy what she used to buy.They must share space, toys, and Mom with other kids and adults. They start to talk about why they're there and then have to deal with the anxiety, confusion, and guilt that engenders.

Unfortunately, there's little that shelter staff, volunteers, and residents can do to take away the children's losses. They are part of the reality of escaping from Domestic Violence. A painful start to a different life. Yet recognizing, grieving for, and accepting these losses are stages the women and kids at the shelter need to pass through.

The women who hang in and work through this pain are Amazons. The children, heroes.
I am in their debt for all they teach me and nowhere near as courageous.

BEAUTIFUL MOM

2011-07-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

The women at the shelter, some single, most moms with kids, usually do not look that great when they first arrive.

If they've had to leave in a hurry, they may have few or no extra clothes for themselves and the kids. They're emotionally and sometimes physically exhausted. Many are not allowed to work by their batterer or can't because of his impossible demands for perfection or their depression or health problems. That may limit their wardrobe. Even if they work, he may take their pay and give them an "allowance."

That means they have little money when they arrive and it takes time to get assistance or a job. It takes time to go through all the changes they must make emotionally, socially, legally, and financially until they can be independent and safe.

So "Rayleen" came in dressed in a plain top and jeans. Her hair was pulled back in a tight bun. She wore no make up. She didn't smile. She spoke rarely and showed little emotion when her kids acted up or regressed in an embarrassing manner.

In a few weeks, she'd acquired some more clothes. Perhaps from donations, the other women, or an escorted trip home. One day, she had on a great work outfit. It fit perfectly and looked very stylish.I asked her if she'd gotten a job. She said no, but smiled broadly when I told her how good she looked.

Two weeks later, I was having supper with a couple kids at the shelter when a pretty lady with a gorgeous short haircut sat down near us. We talked a little, but mostly I gave my attention to the kids and after supper played Candyland with one of them.

Meanwhile, another kid at the table started playing with his food. The woman reprimanded him softly but firmly. I looked at her more closely. It was "Rayleen" and she looked so beautiful I hadn't recognized her! I told her this and what a great haircut she had. She smiled and smiled.

She's a new woman outside. She's becoming a new woman inside. And it's all good.

THE ELEPHANT IN THE LIVING ROOM

2011-07-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

Last night at the shelter I was having supper with a young "friend" of mine from group. He's bright, good-looking and still quite manipulative. He's also talking about guns and killing in group. When he does, his anger and fear don't show on his face. Only in his stories, actions (mild, impulsive aggression), and confusion.

The confusion comes from his wanting to do the right thing and from knowing that this type of talk is inappropriate. Usually children I work with at the shelter have not actually been exposed to guns or other weapons, though they may have lived in a dangerous neighborhood.

What they have been exposed to is mortal threats to themselves or their mother. Many have tremendous anger at their father or mom's partner for controlling them in this way. They often are also very angry at Mom for not protecting them or herself.

And some are sad because they miss Dad or a kind uncle or grandfather. Many mourn for the dad they wished they had.

These feelings come out in various ways. When they do, I talk about them with the child but don't admonish or punish him for them. Alternative behaviors and feelings are offered. Disagreeable as the negative, angry feelings are, they need to come out. Punishment only puts the child back in the home where feelings, especially outrage, were not allowed and often resulted in emotional or physical pain.

This living situation is very similar to a child growing up in an alcoholic home or one ruled by another addiction or mental illness. The elephant is in the living room but you aren't allowed to talk about it. Only to walk around as if it doesn't exist.

The shelter has no elephant. The women talk all the time about their lives. It's not all heavy, but it's supportive and real.

It's where they and their children need to be.

YUP, LET'S ARREST THE VICTIM!

2011-07-24T11:49:00.000-07:00

Today in the Hartford Courant, Helen Ubinas wrote an excellent piece about a woman brutallly beaten by her husband as she tried to escape. Her "mistake"? Calling the police. She was trying to save her life as this was not the first beating she'd suffered at his hands and she was terrified it might be the last.

Police arrived. Her shoulder and knee were injured and she was badly bruised. Her husband didn't have any signs of injury. BUT he told police she was trying to keep him from leaving.

The police arrested BOTH of them.

In general, CT Domestic Violence law has greatly improved since 30+ years ago when police watched a man break his wife's neck and cut her with a knife before they intervened. Yet CT now has the highest dual arrest rate, per 2007 U.S. Dept. of Justice data, in America. That is, the highest rate at which police arrest both batterer and victim.

Lawmakers did not intend for this to happen, I'm sure of that. So where are we falling down?
*On training police about the complicated issues in domestic violence?
*Loopholes in DV law or police procedures?
*Common sense?
Probably all three.

I don't think anyone should arrest a woman with serious injuries and multiple bruises for self-defense that left no marks on her "victim."

What was that office thinking? Was he thinking?

PLAY: THERAPEUTIC FOR ALL YOUNG KIDS

2011-07-21T13:58:00.000-07:00

I've used traditional types of therapy with kids and teens for years--Mutual Storytelling with kids under ten, reality therapy for older kids and teens, bibliotherapy for kids who identify with characters and storylines related to their problems.

Equally useful and helpful is play therapy or just "playtime" after our counseling groups. Playing with others requires self-control, learning to lose or win gracefully, patience, taking turns, and sharing.
I provide the kids in the shelter with standard games like Candyland, dominos, checkers, Legos, and Uno. I also provide toys I consider therapeutic, such as a doll house with family dolls, a doctor kit with real bandaids, soldiers, firemen/police sets, kitchen dishes, tools, and pans, and a "children's hospital".

I've used play therapy in a private agency with kids in specialized foster care; in a public agency with foster kids, as a school social worker and now, as a volunteer counselor at a domestic violence shelter. IMO, play therapy is especially helpful for kids five and under, kids who don't speak English, and kids who are afraid, conflicted, or unable to verbalize what's bothering them.

As they play, I watch them progress from one type of behavior to another. From one type of toy to another. From solitary play to group play to inviting me to play with them. The toys they choose and how they decide to use them not only helps them understand themselves better, but helps me understand them. Each step in these progressions usually involves a different level of trust and an increase in confidence.

Creative play is vitally important in the development of young brains. Sadly, recent research shows that kindergarten kids now have 20% less time alloted for creative play. I increasingly see small children in restaurants, doctors' offices, and various types of transportation obsessively, sometimes robotically playing with computers or game boys.

This digital-type, repetitive activity vs. free play and being read to, may result in cognitive, creative, and social losses kids cannot make up.

So it's important to allow kids time to have fun. It's even more important to allow them to choose their fun. Our new volunteer at the shelter teaches several kids each week to play basketball. This activity is also play therapy because of their special relationship with him, as well as their having to learn to accept failure, help the "little guys", take turns, and share him with several other kids.

Structured, adult-led sports and activities are important. Just be sure you also allow kids time to do their own thing.

They know what they need. Give them the opportunity to meet this need.

GROUP NIGHT: 25 KIDS AND COUNTING

2011-07-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

On group night at the Shelter, we have anywhere from 8-20 kids, ages 1-16 to supervise while the women are taking part in their groups. Summer numbers are usually lower. Holidays, especially Thanksgiving, Christmas and Valentine's Day, are very busy. We often have close to 30 kids.

Last group night was an anomaly for summertime. We started out with 25 kids (resident and "outside"), aged 1-13. We had five adult volunteers including me so it was doable, though hard because we had five or six kids under the age of three.

Holidays are typically times when domestic violence referrals peak. Stress is higher, feelings run stronger because of past holiday experiences and traditions, and there is less free time to regroup.

Summer, too can be stressful in that the kids are home more, heat can make tempers short, and partners may argue about how to spend vacation time or money. Yet I don't remember this many children coming to group the past four summers I've volunteered.

Which leaves me wondering if the higher number of kids we've had lately is a fluke or a trend.
Unemployment is very high. Perhaps this is leading to more stress and more problems in the home.

I can only hope it's a fluke. A fluke would not necessarily mean a trend toward more domestic violence in general. More women needing group support for increased abuse and danger. More children living in fear and forced to take on parental roles.

Domestic violence doesn't always fit neatly into statistics, theories, and trends.
Its perpetrators are unpredictable and don't follow the rules.
So we do the best we can for these precious and often hurting children.
Too bad the perpetrators don't.

NEIGHBORS

2011-07-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

When you get Lyme disease, you are soooo sick. You're in bed most of the day because you're too tired to do anything. You're not interested in food. You may or may not have a rash or a fever. You will have strange aches and pains that travel around. Might have numbness, confusion, trouble with vision, muscle weakness. Lyme can hit any system in your body.

When my husband and I recently came down with Lyme at about the same time, our next-door neighbors called to see if we were ok, did we need anything? Offered to cut the grass, shop or send food. They're always like that and we try to reciprocate. It's a wonderful relationship to have.

Which brings up neighborly issues when you are battered and live in an apartment building or a close community. Someone might be aware of domestic violence, especially if you live in an apartment. But not always. Batterers can be very charming to outsiders. They can take care to hit their partner where it doesn't show. They often keep the kids "close", not allowing them to participate in sports or clubs, in sleepovers or parties. They try to keep a low profile.

Why? Because the more social contacts, the more chance the family "secret" will get out. The greater likelihood that kids will realize other adult relationships are different from their parents'. And there's always the possibility that normal interactions with neighbors might provide information to someone that results in a call to the "State" (Child Protection Servicies) or the Police.

If a battered woman had Lyme disease, she might not have the relationships most women have that provide emotional or practical support when someone needs it. She might have been forbidden to ask for help. Her kids would be expected to take up the slack until she was better and not let anyone know that they were taking care of themselves and the house.

It is a lonely and isolated existence when you can't call on neighbors.
It's one more way the batterer controls his partner and children.
It's self-serving to the extreme.
Just as he is.

PART 2: ARE YOU MY FATHER?

2011-07-12T08:08:00.000-07:00

I posted ARE YOU MY FATHER? 3 days ago. It was about a poster with that question on it.
Then I got to thinking. How do these shelter kids see and explain their father or father figure's extreme, fluctuating behavior?

Typically, the batterer is good to babies and small children. He often treats them well and hides his behavior from them by sending them to their rooms or waiting until they're asleep when he batters their mother.

As the kids get older, they are often instructed to take the small kids out of the room. Or they have learned to leave when he gets abusive and hide or wait somewhere else. Often, older kids (nine to teenage) start to defend or protect Mom verbally or physically when she is in danger or being hurt.Two teens told me they once pulled their stepfather's hands from their mother's neck when she could no longer talk.

Once the kids see him as "bad", the batterer begins to abuse them, if he hasn't already. Usually his expectations are so high that they are already anxious and depressed from his biting criticism when they fail to meet his inappropriate expectations.

They may act out in school, withdraw, fear or defy authority. Violence in the home may spill over to the community as these kids become violent themselves. Many become the victim of a bully or batterer.

How does a child survive a batterer's incredible, inconsistent personality change as time goes on? Or the frightening mood swings that may occur daily, hourly, or minute-to-minute?

Some identify with the batterer. Become violent. Blame Mom for her imperfection and their miserable life. Some conform as best they can, enjoy the good times, try to forget the bad times.Some leave home, become mentally ill, commit crimes, or join gangs.

Most carry significant wounds, psychological as well as physical, into adulthood.
The ones who manage to develop more normal expectations and enter adulthood with reasonably intact self-esteem may have the right personality, a mom who becomes stronger and supports change, a mentor at a significant time, high intelligence and drive. Who knows?

I believe that true survival of a violent home may be the luck of the draw. Why do some victimes reject this lifestyle and some repeat it?

Think about being a mentor to a child in trouble. You might be the change factor that saves his future family.

ARE YOU MY FATHER?

2011-07-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

One of the posters in my new space at the shelter shows a little Star Wars-type, gangly-legged metal robot. Standing directly across from him is a robot that looks just like him. But he's four times as big as the little robot. In child-like script, the little robot asks, "Are you my father?"

In my first group last week, a little boy immediately volunteered to tell a story about the "robots in the poster." His story involved the big robot trying to get the little robot to come home with him. Apparently, his school or teacher has done a good job on stranger danger. Because the little robot almost went home with him but changed his mind, said No! and ran home. And his mom hugged him. The child's "lesson" for the story was "Don't go with someone you don't know."

For once, my story wasn't that different. What I added were feelings--of confusion, since little robots are supposed to do what big robots tell them; of fear because the big robot was soooo much bigger, and of triumph when the little guy said No! and ran home. My lesson was "It's fine to say No! and get away if s stranger tries to make friends with you."

Two other kids added their experiences with strangers and I reinforced their good decision to get away. People complain that schools are taking over the training parents should do. I've seen lessons like this in schools where I've worked. They are organized, the message is repetitive, and the CD or book holds their interest.

I don't think I could have done as good a job with this topic when my kids were little. Can you?

NEW SPACE AT THE SHELTER

2011-07-06T12:40:00.000-07:00

I have a new group space at the shelter. It's more private and larger than the former one and I've decorated it with three new posters. The new posters, like the ones in the other space, are meant to provoke emotions, thought, and subjects for mutual storytelling or discussions.

My favorite is a gorgeous blue and white poster showing the top of an iceberg and the enormous unseen depths of treacherous ice below. The second is a young father stripped to the waist.He holds a newborn, nude baby and they are looking into each other's eyes. The third poster shows two Star Wars-type metal robots. The small one is saying, "Are you my father?"

Last night, the kids and I talked about the posters. They were enthralled with all of them for different reasons. Their comments were fairly superficial, but the longer they have to take in the themes of the posters-- unknown danger, the father-child bond, and the strength and danger of the hard, huge "father" robot--the deeper their understanding, stories, and comments will become.

I miss my "Polar Bear Family" poster from my old space. If we don't find it, I plan to get another one. This poster shows what appears to be a mother Polar bear sitting physically close to her two babies, and protectively leaning toward them. It is a theme sorely missing in my new space. Mother, her role in the family, her feelings toward the father figure and children as well as theirs toward her, have been recurrent themes in the stories of shelter children.

It was my most popular poster in the old space and it must be replaced. Mothers are the ones most victimized usually, but the ones who protect when they can and who take their children with them when they leave the batterer.

No way can she be absent from my "gallery."

NEW DAY, NEW OUTLOOK

2011-07-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm the last to get Lyme Disease in my immediate family. Big whoop. It's still a royal drag. BUT I feel much better than I did last Sunday when I was spending my third day flat on my back. Exhausted after washup and eating toast.

Today, did a load of laundry. Planned Sunday dinner and tomorrow's. Put out garbage and re-cycle. And if it weren't raining, I'd be outside pouring vinegar down the ant hills in my front walk.

That's okay. I'm grateful to be feeling better. Even so, those little buggers (spirocetes) in my bloodstream are busily throwing out toxins as the antibiotics kill them. So I do have my ups and downs. Right now, I'm tired, so took a sit-down break.

After dinner, I'll be polishing a ms. an editor wants to see. That won't be work because she has "passed" on several mss. over the last 15 years, but always says, "Send me more down the line." That means she likes my work even if it doesn't make the grade. This time, I hope it will.

This YA ms., called SHELTER, is set in a domestic violence shelter and involves both dating and domestic violence. It's multi-cultural, it's probably hi-lo. And it's needed. So cross your fingers. Maybe I'll get lucky.Meanwhile, back to work.

It feels so good to hope, even if it's just about a ms. I wish that a trickle (or more) of hope could cross every heart today, especially those that belong to women and teens who think nothing will ever change or improve.

I disagree. I believe battered women can change and improve. It's their crazy partners who can't.

WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES...

2011-06-30T11:37:00.000-07:00

Less than two days ago, I started on doxycycline for Lyme Disease. Before that, I was exhausted all the time and foggy-brained. Had flashy headaches, especially if I read, as my visual focusing was affected. I had aches here, aches there--and they migrated from one side of my body to the other--and back!

Today I woke up at 6 a.m. feeling rested and in no pain. I got up, showered, dressed, started the laundry and made oatmeal. Got bloodwork and left @ ll a.m. with dh for a report on his Lyme test and scan.

No surprise. He has Lyme, too! We picked up his meds, ate out, and here I am at the computer. I have a 4 p.m. doctor's appointment myself, but am not tired. Best of all, my brain has lost its Lyme "fuzziness." That's good. I'm enough of a space cadet on "normal" days. :)

So my life is returning to doable. How about women who are still living with an abusive, controlling batterer? When they get better, has dp ("dear"partner) acknowledged how much they do for him every day? Has he "allowed" them to "slack off" because of illness? Does he treat them the same as before?

Eeeeeek. What a thought.

TIRED

2011-06-27T08:04:00.000-07:00

Whoa. Have a virus or Lyme disease and it ain't pretty. I missed posting yesterday and am still kind of out of it today.

I've been thinking about how lucky I am to have the husband I do. He checks on me frequently when he's home. Leaves something for me to drink and his cell phone number on the night stand. Puts the phone next to my head in case my daughter calls.

Isn't mad I can't make supper, do the laundry, and take care of him.

Makes me wonder what happens when a battered woman gets too sick to do her daily chores. Does he take care of her, tell her she's lazy for lying in bed, expect her to do the same things she does when she's well?

Tell me your experience, please, if you've been in my position.
And now I have to go back to bed. Typing tired me out. :(

REGRESSION

2011-06-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

All kids regress for one reason or another: New baby sib. Divorce. Parental abandonment. Anger or anxiety at big change or illness in themselves or someone they love. Abuse of one kind or another. Moving to new home, changing schools, etc.

And regression takes many different forms, often related to the child's age: Toilet "accidents." Significant change in personality (like from sweet to angry, open to guarded, social to withdrawn, etc.). Normal behavior might become very "babyish. They might begin to steal, lie a lot, or hide.

A very intelligent "tween" boy at the shelter seemed co-operative and sociable when I first met him, despite a mild disability. Each week, these positve traits deteriorated a bit more. He started to "played dumb" in group or when I asked him a question. He ignored requests in group. He teased or insulted other kids sometimes.

Most important, when I ate dinner with him and others at the shelter before groups, he switched to extremely babyish behavior when I was around: baby talk, lying on the floor or a bench and acting like a very needy, very small baby.

I ignored most of it or said, "You want to be a baby tonight, huh?" Sometimes this was enough for him to drop the act; sometimes it continued for a few minutes.

His mother was surprised and embarrassed but didn't intervene much when she saw I accepted this immature behavior. I wasn't able to explain to her the possible cause for it--group stories or multiple changes that might have stirred up his anxiety about violence or losses. Unfortunately, he was always around when I wanted to talk to her.

Nonetheless, he did okay in school and within 3 weeks, dropped these babyish behaviors. His cooperation and kindness toward others improved. He liked the new male volunteer, "Coach" and wanted to be "cool" for him. He doesn't like school and is relieved it's over for the year.

His behavior, IMO, is normal and not unusual within the domestic shelter environment. These kids, usually suddenly, lose most of what's important to them. Even when they're prepared for the move, they may have serious reactions to so many changes and losses. Even when the changes are positive.

Time helps, so I always hope that those who regress significantly will stay at the shelter a long time.
They're probably the ones who need a safe home most. Who become babies because that's how they protect themselves and feel safer. And who "grow up" again when they have less fear.

"Normal" children might need the same kind of comfort. Do we give it to them?

TLC for DH or partner

2011-06-21T11:34:00.000-07:00

My husband's cancer diagnosis 3 years ago brought up how much I loved him and how much I needed him around.

He's handy, for one thing, and I am fix-it "challenged." He's much better at Crossword puzzles than I am, so it's nice to do them together. We like absolutely opposite things on TV but he's willing to watch my shows if I'll watch his...or at least READ while he's watching his. :)

We simply fit together. I love flowers and he's the gardener. He loves good food and I provide it. He loves golf and I hate the heat, so I stay home and write. He knows how to help the kids with farm, garden, or renovation issues and I'm good at providing goodies they wouldn't make or buy for themselves. In return, they provide us with a lot of support and help.

I'm grateful for him. He's not perfect, but he's a decent, kind person and a caring husband. He and I don't always agree, but we almost always can work it out...tomorrow if not today.

So I do what I can to make his treatments and recovery doable, including accepting the crabby days when he feels rotten. My reward? He's still here, and he wants to recover completely.

And then I think of the women in the domestic violence shelter. Would they want their batterer to recover? Would they make a big effort to improve his odds? Would they love him more when he was down or weak, or would they be grateful for their safety?

I can't answer these questions and I'm so thankful I don't have to.

THOUGHTS RE: FATHERS

2011-06-18T08:49:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Father's Day, so I've been thinking of my deceased grandfathers, father, my husband, and several other fathers I know.

Not one of them is perfect, but each one tries or did try to be a good father. IMO, this involves being a good husband as well. A long time ago, I read, "The best parents are those who love each other."

Where does this leave the fathers or father figures who batter Mom or their partner?
Do they think that kids like them to hurt Mom, Auntie, or Grandma?
Do they think that sending the kids to their rooms will hide their behavior?
Do they think their cruelty has no effect on their kids?

Maybe they'd better THINK AGAIN.

In any case, I hope you have a happy Father's Day.
I'm spending mine making dh's favorite foods and enjoying the meal with my grown daughter and son-in-law. There won't be cruelty, pain, or fear in my house. There won't be threats or retaliation.
Why can't that be true for everyone?

pha

VISITING DAD

2011-06-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

Kids visit Dad in lots of places for lots of reasons. They may visit him in the workplace, his home, a relative's home, a social work office, the hospital, rehab, jail, by computer if he's overseas, etc.

If the kids are lucky, Mom and her partner co-operate and communicate. Both parents support the visit and work out problems connected with it.

Unfortunately, even in the best of situations, most kids would rather not visit Dad. They'd rather he lived with them so the family is "complete".

In the case of children who visit or want to visit Mom's batterer, co-operation and communication are often deemed impossible. In the shelter, I've seen kids who shrug and say, "I can't visit my dad. He choked (or hit) Mom." Some seem to accept this but seethe underneath. Some are so angry at or so afraid of Dad that they're glad they don't have to visit.

Many paternal visits necessitated by absent mother and children are determined in court.
Some mothers are forced by the court to allow kids to visit their father. In the case of older kids who can visit Dad on their own, this may work out fairly well--as long as Dad doesn't interrogate them or try to manipulate them into testifying against their mother.

Some women, however are ordered to "supervise"paternal visits despite their protests that this is not in their children's best interest. And despite their ongoing fear or distrust of their partner.

I have to wonder what is in a judge's mind when s/he says a woman must take her children back to the man who injured her (and indirectly, them) in so many ways. Why the judge insists she must stay with the batterer while he and the children "visit".

Does the judge think the batterer is now cured and won't insult, threaten or intimidate this woman? Does s/he think she has lost all fear of him? Or think it positive to expose children to the source of their mother's long-term, ongoing anxiety, anger and pain?

There is an increase in training about the reality of domestic violence. Training of lawyers, judges, police, social workers, mediators and others. But from what I'm hearing, the above scenario still happens.

And it's toxic.

ADHD and DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

2011-06-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees.
When I was a school social worker, I was asked to work with "Joey", a fourth grade boy who was always hitting others on the playground. He didn't listen in class or finish his work and was oppositional with teacher.

So I met with his mother. Attractive, sweet, quiet person. Didn't know what to do with him. New stepfather was "harsh" with him, according to Mom. I gave her info on Time Out and a possible behavior contract.

When I called her to see how things were going, I often woke her up in the afternoon although she wasn't working. She always sounded sad, exhausted, and overwhelmed, though "Joey" was her only child. She hadn't tried Time Out or anything else to improve his behavior.

"Joey's" teacher, experienced and well-organized, was tired of his disruptive behavior, but agreed to a behavior contract and kept a record of his response to it. He had good days and bad days. Generally, his behavior improved a little; his work and homework improved quite a bit.

I interviewed "Joey" before adding him to a group. He was cute, confident, cautious. His mother was "good". His stepfather, "mean." Wouldn't elaborate on these descriptions.

In group, he was unfailingly quiet, focused, and well-behaved. He got along fine with the other kids and rarely got a "check" that might cost him group play time if he ended up with three of them.

This was fairly typical for a child I suspected of having ADHD. They always do better in a small, structured group than the normal (overstimulating for them) classroom or playground.

What bothered me was Mom's seeming depression and lack of ability to change "Joey's" behavior in any way. She did, at my urging, talk to her doctor and begin to take an anti-depressant. This helped with her depression, but not with "Joey's" outbursts and aggression at home.

Finally, after getting suspended for punching a boy, "Joey" blurted out to me that his stepfather hit his mother--a lot.

Ouch. I hadn't even thought about that. Joey might have ADHD, but he also had a bad male model, anger at his stepfather and at himself for not being able to protect his mother. Add anxiety about her safety which would cause or contribute to his inability to concentrate.

Many of the kids at the shelter show symptoms of ADHD, especially after they feel safe there and less depressed. When you hear about the aggression and "fits" of temper in their father figures, you wonder what these men were like as kids.

Did they, too live in a violent home or were others violent toward them because of their problems?

ADHD combined with aggression has the worst prognosis. I don't believe in throwing medication at every child who appears to have ADHD, but are we missing something here?

THE DEER MOUSE

2011-06-08T13:11:00.000-07:00

My husband went to the shed to open a 25-lb. bag of potting soil yesterday. Only it was already opened. He poked around and found a nest with a deer mouse in it.

I thought maybe she chose that bag for a nest because the dirt was warm and soft. He said, no, the dirt was moist and cold. Probably not ideal, he thought, for newborn mice.

Hmmm. Guess it was all that little deer mouse had. I think the domestic violence shelter where I volunteer may be looked on that way by many women who have no other viable place to go.

The seriously battered woman has limited choices. She can stay where she is, but that option has already been tossed. She rarely has any money saved as she's often not allowed to work or her paycheck is taken away. So an apartment is out.

She could move in with her own family, except that she may have been forced to hide her painful life from them. She may not even have been able to stay in touch.

She could move in with inlaws if they weren't usually on the side of the batterer. Or she could move into a regular homeless shelter without security or a secret address.

So she may be left with what she considers a place of last resort: a domestic violence shelter. An unknown place filled with strangers who have the same problem as she does.

Not ideal. Cold, moist soil.

But if she's lucky and if she's ready, the soil does its work: nourishes, protects, and enriches her life.

Not ideal, but better than other alternatives.
And safe. Best of all, safe.

BEHIND CLOSED DOORS

2011-06-05T11:34:00.000-07:00

I went to a funeral 300 miles from home this past weekend. The gatherings for viewing, the funeral itself, the graveside ceremony, and the meal afterward soon turned this sad occasion into a family reunion.

I realized there was a whole new generation of "cousins" we'd lost touch with in that branch of the family. I watched their kids, aged 11 months to maybe 10 at each gathering. They were cute, sweet, funny, and smiling most of the time.

They listened to the adults, the minister, and the music. They behaved well until they got bored. Then the pre-schoolers began to talk, look around, cry, leave the pew or parent's place and look for something more fun to do.

The parents followed them, watched them, or brought them back. Some gave the kids a break somewhere else. Parents co-perated with each other, disciplined appropriately, and were friendly and polite in the more informal situations.

Sounds great, right? But then I began thinking. Women and children living with the daily torture of an emotional and/or physical batterer may not appear very different from the average child or parent. Some kids do act out in school; some may be overly quiet or withdrawn.

Most of them, though, are already experts at not drawing attention to themselves in the "outside world." Their parents are usually experts, too--at hiding "bad" or inadequate behaviors or at avoiding social situations where their problems might be found out in some way.

So how would I know if one or more of these "normal" children and families I met last weekend are actually living the same lives as the children in the domestic violence shelter where I volunteer?

Answer: I wouldn't.

Therefore: Don't assume everything's fine because it looks fine. If a mother doesn't show up for school conferences and meetings, turns down invitations, seems to avoid contact with other adults or be afraid to talk about anything personal regarding herself or her child, maybe she isn't neglectful or anti-social or any other negative label you might slap on her.

Maybe she's in Hell.

What can you do? Leave the door open for her and her child.
You never know what can happen if you watch, listen, and are there for someone.

THE VOLUNTEER

2011-06-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

It was warm this past group night at the shelter. When I arrived, I was told a young man would be coming to spend time outside with the boys.

He turned out to be a basketball coach/recruiter for a local university and was tall, strong, and handsome. My supervisor introduced me to him and he immediately sat down at the picnic table where I was playing a board game with a little boy.

His warm, natural personality immediately had the little guy entralled.
Ditto the other older boys.

What a great night. After the "work" part of group, most of the kids went back outside to play. One girl joined the basketball "game" but the rest of the kids were older boys and the "little guy." They played enthusiastically and listened to his instruction and guidance.

How happy they looked. They listened carefully, followed his suggestions, and obviously enjoyed his gifts of time and attention so much.

I've volunteered at the shelter for four+ years. Men volunteers often fix minor problems or install things in the shelter, but the kids don't interact with them.

Four years ago, we had a teen male "babysitter" who was great with the kids, but this young man was the first adult male volunteer. The short-term effect of his kind behavior was wonderful to see.

How I hope he has time to repeat his visit often. The boys need his kind of male so badly.

So do the girls.

DOCTOR KIT REVISITED

2011-05-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

We are lucky in that the two little kids who live next door, "Sarah," age six and "Michael," age three, love to visit my husband and me most Saturday afternoons and we love to have them.

We have the most fun when all four of us play together. This is when "Sarah" makes up and directs complicated family or princess scenarios.

Yesterday, it happened that my husband was away most of the afternoon. "Sarah" and "Michael" decided they wanted to make our master bath "The Doctor's Office." I pulled the Dr. Kit off a shelf in my closet and Sarah said she'd be the doctor. I was the Mom and Michael was my "baby." He immediately started crawling around and asked to sit in my lap.

I told "Doctor Sarah" that my "son" had a high fever and threw up twice this morning. Soon "Michael" received "medicine", two "shots", and a bandaid on his arm. I received strict instructions to bring him back twice more as he was "very sick."

"Sarah" is six and in kindergarten. She lives in a good home with parents who take excellent care of her and each other.

Contrast her experience with the shelter kids I work with. Their mother was often injured, extremely anxious, or depressed. Their father figure may have treated them well in some ways, but he also exposed them to violence, outrageous demands on and cruelty toward their mother.

The younger shelter children, aged 3-10, enjoy using my doctor kit. Their use of it, however, is very different from "Sarah's." Most immediately start taking care of me. They listen to my heart, take my temperature and blood pressure. Put bandaids on my hands and arms or clothing. They are acting out a parental role: taking care of and worrying about "Mom."

In two or three weeks, they typically stop taking care of me and begin to take care of each other and themselves. They listen to another child's heart or their own. They check "boo boos" and bandage them carefully. Even better, they next ask me to put a bandaid on their "injury."

Some don't stay long enough or show interest in completing this important progression: from taking care of "Mom", to showing concern for themselves and others in the same situation. And finally, showing more dependence on adults, as a young child should.

They ask for help or protection and we give it to them. We are just doing our job. And from their progress, we can see that their mom is doing hers.

And that's everything.

THE PERFECT CHILD

2011-05-24T12:46:00.000-07:00

I get attached to some kids at the shelter. Can't help it. They are great kids and they are real. They aren't happy, well-behaved, and helpful all the time. They admit shelter life is hard and that they can't tell Mom how they feel because she is upset enough. I can believe them.

But a couple years ago, I worked with the seemingly "Perfect Child." She was very pretty and always well dressed. Her hair was beautiful and beautifully styled. She spoke good English, was coperative and enthusiastic when I was around. A good student, also, according to her mother. She seemed happy even though she and her mother stayed at the shelter an unusually long time.

I soon realized she wasn't popular with the other kids. It's easy to tell which kids are "tight" at the shelter. They spend a lot of time together, get along most of the time, share toys, mothers, and snacks. They become "siblings".

I never saw her doing things with another kid, though she might do the same activity next to another kid. In group, when it was her turn to share, she always talked about how mean the kids at school were to her. She thought this was because they were "jealous". Given her intelligence and beauty, it was possible this was true. At least with some kids.

One night, I arrived at the shelter to find her gone. Her mother had broken a couple of important rules more than once. Kids know when Mom is in trouble. She never shared this with me or her worries about it.

She always said the right thing, or at least what she thought I wanted to hear. She always did the right thing. Always looked lovely. But something was missing. She was like a beautiful shell emptied of its substance.

Sometimes children severely damaged by fear and forced into hiding their emotions can develop more trust, empathy, and friends when their environments improve. Maybe she feels safe enough now to relate more significantly with others.

I hope so, but wish it hadn't been so dangerous for her to be "real" when she was little.

SHELTER KIDS & SUGAR RAY

2011-05-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

Remember Sugar Ray Robinson at his young, handsome, fabulous best? The Olympic boxer, the charming young man. We wondered at all his problems. He fathered a baby at 17, had infidelity/domestic issues in his first marriage, abused alcohol and cocaine, semi-retired when young.

His soon-to-be-published autobiography tells us why. He grew up in a home where domestic violence and substance abuse were present. He saw his mother stab his father in the back, literally.

Flashbacks of the sexual abuse of an Olympic boxing coach haunted him and his relationships until he went into therapy. Four years of therapy.

Some of the kids at the DV shelter have been sexually abused. All of them have been exposed to at least one controlling, violent parent figure. Everything staff and volunteers do is related to the goal of helping women and kids who have been emotionally or physically battered to recover.

The shelter cannot provide the therapy Sugar Ray received, but its counseling groups for adults and children can help extract their damaging belief of worthlessness and push them toward finding themselves again.

Sugar Ray has a more successful marriage this time. He has owned up to his alcoholism. Most important, he has revealed his sexual victimization publicly in order to help others.

That makes him a hero, just like every woman and child who breaks away from their abuser's lies. Builds a new life. Scales every mountain in sight until they have a safe niche--and the same annoying but not life-threatening problems as everyone else.

THE WISDOM OF SHELTER KIDS

2011-05-19T06:48:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how much kids grow during their time at the shelter. Thr ones who benefit most stay for several weeks or even for a few months.

IMO, the biggest benefit of their stay is what they learn from each other. In my small groups, many learn how to cope with anger, sadness, and anxiety. Sometimes they find out they have suffered less trauma than others. Sometimes they realize their story is the worst. Most important, those who think Mom is the bad guy for making them leave home begin to understand the big picture.

More than what they learn in my small groups, though, is what they learn from other kids. When they leave home, they suddenly must survive in close quarters. Most arrive dazed, sad, scared, and confused. They don't like the noise and confusion of living with so many other kids.

First they watch the other kids. Only the most social immediately play with them. Most of the older kids stay in their family group. Avoid the babies. They don't like their crying or lack of responsiveness.

As they feel safer, they express outrage and tattle on anyone who hurts or insults them, says a "bad word", grabs their Gameboy, or won't share.

In a week or two, they start to smile more, play with each other, and try to make the babies smile. Soon they are carrying the babies around and protecting the toddlers. They listen to and talk with other mothers. Listen better to their own mother. They also respond to aggression from "new" kids with "Don't do that!", tattling, or ignoring them.

Eventually, the messages of the shelter sink into the children's minds and core beliefs: We left our violent home because we were in danger. Violence is wrong, bad, and illegal. We need to be different when we grow up. Mom is not the bad guy.

No wonder I love these children. So many blossom as beautifully as the shrubs and flowers around my house. They are treasures.

SISTER WIVES

2011-05-16T11:41:00.000-07:00

Last night I watched the latest "Sister Wives" reality show. The four wives and their one husband are interesting and appear to be good people and good parents. They're being chased out of their home because they're polygamists. Whether I think polygamy is truly religious, self-serving or just illegal is not important.

What hit me was that the women in the shelter become sister wives. They don't have the same husband and unfortunately their partners are not as responsible and caring as Cody. BUT they often have the same type of partner. That means when you hear one woman's story at the shelter, you remember many others that sound similar and evoke the same anger and concern.

And they remind me of the "Sister Wives" in that what seems best about this particular polygamist family on TV is often mirrored in what becomes best at the shelter:
*Food, dinner time, preparation, and cleanup are often shared.
*One woman's kids become everyone's kids when she needs the support and help.
*Clothes are loaned, shared, and given to others and others' kids.
*Emotions and stories are open, raw at times, and apparently honest.
*Kids become like siblings and mourn the loss of or continue relationships with kids who leave.
*Relationships improve, deteriorate, change with circumstances and understanding.
*All share the absent partner, what they mean to each other, what lessons they've imparted.

Unfortunately, I doubt that all polygamist families have a positive, helpful husband/father like Cody or have women as emotionally mature and open as his four wives.

Nonetheless, when 20 or more women and kids live together night and day for weeks, each woman's ability to become a part of that "big family" may make a difference when she leaves. What she takes away could be a stronger family.

One that loves and cooperates, and grows stronger because what each person brings to the mix. It is a model based on need, but a model nonetheless.

SHELTER WOMEN MAKE IT HAPPEN

2011-05-13T13:10:00.000-07:00

We have a good administration at the DV shelter. They can't provide every change residents want or fix every complaint, but they listen.

This past week, apparently, the present group of women using shelter services requested and got a significant change in the time women's and kids' groups start on group night. The mothers wanted all groups to start one-half hour earlier. Their kids are still going to school and the 8:30 p.m. end of group time, plus baths and quiet time after that, made bedtime way too late.

I've volunteered at the shelter for four years and this is not the first change I've seen the women request or receive. It is a significant one, though, and one that should improve shelter life.

These women are used to having normal requests dismissed cavalierly in the homes they left. Used to abandoning, forgetting, or stuffing their own and their kids' needs.

This week they got what they needed. It's one more step toward their becoming self-reliant. To ask and to receive. This is not a small thing.

It's more in the realm of awesome.

SHELTER FOOD

2011-05-10T13:28:00.000-07:00

The shelter gets all kinds of canned, boxed, and frozen food from food banks and food share. Mothers can make meals out of anything they find in the shelter fridge, freezer, and pantry. Some women occasionally buy preferred or prepared food and most can occasionally buy treats for themselves and the kids.

Each shelter has different rules about the nighttime meal. Some ask women to sign up to prepare dinner for everyone. This results in some eating the meal and others, especially vegetarians, eating something else. At some shelters, everyone cooks for themselves at night or cooks extra portions for the group, as they wish.

Right now, the shelter at which I volunteer does the latter. The result is mixed. Some mothers consistently cook a good meal for themselves and kids at the same time each night. The newly arrived women, though are often exhausted, emotionally drained, disorganized, and still setting up their room. In this case, someone usually helps them prepare a meal or shares the food they've prepared with them.

Some women cook the same menu most nights: rice and chicken, hot dogs and beans, or pork chops and potatoes. Vegetables and salad often take a back seat for various reasons, though occasionally a parent or woman has the energy and determination to regulaly provide a well-balanced meal for herself and kids.

The quality of a woman's meals usually improves as she recovers from her flight to the shelter. Sometimes a church or other organization provides fresh fruit or veggies. In the summer, I happily bring in veggies from our daughter's over-abundant garden. Fresh, sliced cucumbers on a plate bring the kids running. So does my promise I'll share my Clementines with them in early spring.

Always, though, I ask the moms' permission first. The food given to her children is something she has control over and I don't abuse that right. At home, whatever she set out or cooked was probably criticized for its inferior quality, taste, degree of doneness, originality--name it. Women living with a batterer rarely hear a compliment, unless he's in his "Sorry" stage.

Guess it's no wonder that when many women get to the shelter, they don't worry much about how redundant, nutritious, well-cooked, or appreciated the meal they've prepared is. They made it, even though they probably yearned to withdraw, sleep, relax, read, or watch TV.

Whatever meal she has made, she and the kids will eat it. They won't toss it in the trash as "garbage." They won't complain if it isn't one of their favorites. They may not even be hungry but will eat some of it anyway.

To me, this is a healthy response to freedom. It is how battered women begin to understand they don't need to be perfect or to please everyone to be respected and valued.

It is the reality of being imperfect and living a real life. Of messing up and being loved anyway. That's what they need most.
It's what everyone needs most.

MOTHER'S DAY AT THE SHELTER

2011-05-07T15:15:00.000-07:00

MOTHER'S DAY AT THE SHELTER
I haven't been to the shelter on Mother's Day. If it's like any other holiday or special day there, it will be celebrated in its own way. The kids will get help with making or buying cards for their moms and give her a gift if they can.

For women spending the day at the shelter, whether they have children or not, it can be bittersweet day. They are away from their home. Often, they don't dare visit their moms for fear the abuser will show up. The kids may miss their grandmoms, aunts, and married sisters.

The luckier ones may have a safe place to visit loved ones. For many, though, the "bitter" of bittersweet is the loss of family ties on an important family day.

The "sweet" is safety, a greatly appreciated sweet, once it's accepted as completely necessary.

Wherever and however you spend your Mother's Day, think of those who don't have the same freedoms you have. It sure would be great if next year these women and others in their situation could spend Mother's Day exactly as they wish.

TWO KIDS/TWO STORIES

2011-05-04T14:36:00.000-07:00

Last night at the shelter, we had several kids aged 1-3 during group time so I ran only two groups. They were doozies, though. Both groups had kids the right age to benefit from Mutual Storytelling. I ask the child storyteller to make up a story with a beginning, middle, and end, but tell them the story cannot be about themselves. When the child is done with his story, I tell mine. I start with the same characters and the same situation but my story is very different.

One of the stories involved a good family in a normal situation. They were co-operating and enjoying themselves until the child fell down, hit her head, and died. Just like that. The mother cried and cried for the loss of her child, but she was dead. Period. In my story that followed, no one died, but someone threatened the family and the police were called. They took the "bad guy" off to jail and the family felt a little better.

The other story involved a family going on a picnic. Nothing bad happened. Everything was perfect. My story, however, had the threat of robbery by intrusive teens during the picnic and the mother sneaking a call to 911. The police caught the bad guys and the family chose a safer location the next time they picnicked.

Both kids' stories are extreme in that there is sudden death in one, and no problems whatsoever in the other. While both situations can occur in real life, these are not typical stories.

Based on my training and experience, I think one child fears getting hurt or killed because of anger about people in her life. I think the other child is denying there are any problems in her family or that this is her "ideal" family.

Given that both kids have been exposed to trauma in their own homes, I'm not surprised at these themes. But given that most kids don't express family life in this way,I made sure my stories showed people getting help and people dealing with problems they encountered.

Both kids are young. I hope they get to tell me more stories. Usually, if my messages are sinking in, the children's stories become progressively more realistic.

And realism is way better than denial, hidden anger, or fear.

KIDS' GROUP NIGHT AT THE SHELTER (excerpt from my SHELTER ms.)

2011-05-01T12:02:00.000-07:00

Miguel, 15 and his sister, Ellie,16 are in the playroom on group night.Ellie is in the play area and Miguel is watching her from the window in the social worker's office. A volunteer has told Ellie not to keep going into the hall to take phone calls.

Ellie rolls her eyes, shrugs. Sets a chair in the corner and sits on it. Next call, she turns the chair to the wall and her fingers fly. A couple minutes later, I can tell something’s wrong. She shakes her head, stands up. Flips the phone shut and shoves it in her pocket.

I wonder who’s calling. Maybe her boss at camp. She missed work three days this week. Maybe he fired her. She pulls her phone out again. Sits down and reads. Texts. Reads again. Looks at the ceiling. Closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

I jump when Pilar says, “Mike, you’re not writing. Are you okay?”
“Sure. Sorry, Pilar.”
Carter makes a “Duh!” face—eyes crossed, tongue hanging out. He needs a good slap.
"Avoid all unnecessary violence” (Miguel remembers his Karate teacher saying).
I shrug, look right at Carter. “Nobody’s perfect.”
Pilar nods. “You are so right, Mike.”

I pick up my pencil. The top of the form reads, “Safety Plan.” Right. The short, easy way to stay safe in your own home.
Sorry, but I don’t think there’s a safety plan on earth that will work when Dad’s in Dictator Mode. When he walks in the door like that, we’re not safe. Period.
I fill out the form anyway.

After group, Ellie and I use the bathroom in the hall. Who knows when they will be available again? The dining and living rooms are already buzzing with women and kids. The babysitters gave us a snack but I’m hungry again.

I grab some cookies from a package on the counter, give a couple to Ellie. She takes one bite, then crumbles them like she’s in a zone. Her eyes never leave the uncovered windows across from her. They’re black now that it’s dark. Behind Ellie’s reflection are streetlights and speeding headlights.I don’t think she sees them.

“Did your boss call tonight?” I ask. Try to sound casual.
“No.”
Mom sits down. Says nothing, stares at her hands.
A baby cries, two kids fight over a toy. Holly tells Bev, “Group was kind of fun.”
Mom hears nothing. She’s left the planet.

Ellie touches her arm. “How was the women’s group?”
Mom startles, frowns at Ellie like she’s been asleep. Doesn’t answer.
“Is it okay if we go upstairs with Keesh or Bev?” Ellie asks.
Mom stands slowly, like someone’s holding her down. “No, I’ll take you.”

In the room, she kicks off her shoes and crawls into bed. Falls asleep immediately.
We slip off our shoes and slide under the covers, too.
Wouldn’t Dad have a fit if he saw us go to bed completely dressed.
But he’s not here and Mom’s out of it. It feels like no one’s in charge.

Ellie's boyfriend, angry she won't tell him the address of the shelter, is now harassing her with multiple, demanding phone calls. Mom, starting the paperwork to get a restraining order against Dad, is depressed and anxious. That leaves Miguel and Ellie worried about her and feeling adrift.

The first week or two of shelter life are the hardest.
But they usually beat living with someone who thinks he owns you.

KIDS WHO DON'T COMPLAIN

2011-04-28T12:41:00.000-07:00

Parents don't love to hear a lot of complaints, especially if the kids complain so much they can legitimately be classified as Whiny Wonders.

But complaints from kids do indicate that they have enough self-esteem to believe they deserve better. Also that they're not afraid to speak their minds. And that they're not afraid of the people they're complaining to.

Annoying as this can be at times, it's normal. The Whiny Wonders may require tweaking, as in Time Out, a reality check or loss of some privilege. But you don't have to worry that they won't be able to make their way in this world.

The shelter has kids who complain, especially after they've spent a few days there.
But occasionally it has kids who demonstrate the effects of a mother who isn't allowed to complain. Or kids who have been punished for complaining. Or kids who know what happens when Mom complains and don't dare.

Here are a few examples of kids who make me feel sad:
Kids and teens who are excellent at keeping secrets but unable to express feelings or opinions appropriate to the situation.
Kids who withdraw or stand in place and cry at the sign of any conflict between other kids or adults in the shelter.
Babies who look distressed, but move little besides their eyes and make very little protest, even after a long period of waiting for Mom's care. (Note: this is most likely to happen when the family first arrives and mother is very depressed and anxious.) Other women and children often meet the child's needs when mother can't.
And what saddened me most: a 13-month-old baby whose brother faced her stroller to the wall during groups because she was asleep. Sometime during the next hour, she awoke but didn't make a single sound. Her brother said, "Leave her. She's all right."

Don't think only battered women are affected by domestic violence.
Be glad your kids bug you on a regular basis.
It indicates trust.

KIDS' TREASURES

2011-04-26T12:16:00.000-07:00

What if you and your kids had to leave home suddenly because of an earthquake, fire, tornado, gas leak--something that endangered your lives?

I don't know what I'd grab, besides the children and pets. Hopefully my purse, important papers, outerwear, a change of clothes. A couple photo albums if there were time. My husband might push his golf bag out the garage door if he could. :)

What would my children have grabbed if they were young?
My daughter would have taken her guinea pigs and favorite stuffed animal. My son, his Star Wars stuff and baseball mitt.

In reality, when they were young, we were once suddenly awakened early one a.m. by the smoke alarm. And we took none of the above. We woke the kids, grabbed jackets and slippers, called the Fire Department and waited for them on the deck. It was terrifying, even after the firemen told us the problem was just a large, smoldering beach towel in a laundry basket. (Babysitter error.)

The lingering terror that kept me awake for the remainder of the night came from realizing how much worse it could have been. How important life is when you and your family are threatened. And how unimportant material things are.

It is the same or worse when women and kids must suddenly leave home because of life-threatening domestic violence. Once the shock of losing almost everything subsides, other emotions and the reality of their sudden, complete life change, assault them ferociously.

Very small children and babies understand little about the move. They might miss their "binkie" or "blankie", but their distress seems more related to adjusting to an unknown and crowded environment. They also react to any problems their mother may have in meeting their needs materially or emotionally at the shelter.

Older kids and teens quickly learn they must keep their location a secret, and are usually not allowed to communicate with their father until things are "settled." They often have to change schools and miss their friends, their own clothes, their "comfort" toys and games.

Some need to see Grandma and Grandpa. Many don't like sharing a room with sibs and Mom once they're used to shelter life.

The real treasures they've lost, older kids realize, are the people they love. The neighborhood they knew. The teacher they admired. Their soccer team, library, favorite store, park, and back yard.

Many shelter kids never regain most of these treasures.
But they learn what's really important a lot younger than I did.

And how I wish they didn't have to.

SHELTER KIDS' ART

2011-04-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

This week, the Shelter Board of Directors was using one of the women's groups' meeting rooms, so the women had to use my space. It worked out. The children, "babysitters" and I met in the large playroom which has plenty of tables.

I asked the kids to draw "What makes you happy." When each one finished,I asked him or her to draw "What makes you sad." "Can it be what makes me scared?" one boy asked. I said, "Sure," and several kids followed his route.

I was reminded of how much artistic talent I've seen before in shelter kids. When the kids in this group handed me their drawings, at least half of them, some only 5-7 years old, showed drawing skill far beyond what you'd expect to see in kids their age.

There were fewer "happy" than "sad or scared" pictures, but they covered fairly typical responses for kids in their age group, which was 5-12. The subjects? "Mommy", butterflies and a spider, "making music and drawing", playing with gameboys; a flower, tree, and friend.

"Sad or scared" pictures consisted of a bullying situation (which started a mini-discussion of bullies), "another lady crying", a poster re: the danger of smoking, dinosaurs or sharks devouring a man, snakes threatening a home, a sibling problem, and a confusing fantasy figure whose life was both happy and mortally threatened.

The quality of the "happy" artwork was better, but that might be because it was their first picture so they took more care. The drawings of the more happy-appearing, more trusting kids reflected these personality traits in their pictures.

The more openly sad or anxious kids were often careful, excellent artists, but they didn't seem to enjoy drawing or talking about their pictures as much as the "happier" group did.

This is a small sample,I know, of the large number of kids currently living in violent homes or who have at some time lived with a batterer. Still, I can't help wondering if there is sometimes a connection between the development of precocious, outstanding artistic talent and an environment that demands constant, careful, anxious observation.

Not a happy thought.
Guess I'm glad I can't draw.

2011-04-20T14:34:00.000-07:00

CHAPTER EIGHT (SHELTER ms.)
Ellie's boyfriend Diego texts Ellie, Miguel's sister.

Diego: hey. miss u. hows it goin.
Ellie: miguels still wacko. now he s playing detective.
Diego: huh.
Ellie: trying 2 find out what mom and the court advocate r planning.
Diego: 4 real yur moms goin 2 court.
Ellie: yeah. needs a protective order.
Diego: why. your dad dont know where she is.
Ellie: he knows where she works.
Diego: so what.
Ellie: he could stalk her. attack her.
Diego: he wouldnt do that. he s a nice guy.
Ellie: how would u know. u think we made this up. left him for the fun of it.
Diego: i dont know.
Ellie: so what does that make me. a liar. stupid. what.
Diego: maybe u bugged him too much. made him lose it.
Ellie: see ya.
Diego: whats wrong.
Ellie: if yor on his side yor not on mine.
Diego: what did i say.
Ellie:
Diego: come on. i luv u. why do u think i m on his side.
Ellie: yor sucky attitude.
Diego: how about yor attitude. soon as we r apart u think i m bad. i m the enemy right.
Ellie: yor full of shit.
Diego: if u were here u wouldnt dis me like that.
Ellie: right. and u wouldnt dis me either becuz i would walk. see ya.
Diego:
Ellie:
Diego: luv u.
Ellie:

Diego: hey, mr castillo. its diego.
Dad: how did you get my number.
Diego: ellie called u on my fone once.
Dad: oh. so how are u doing.
Diego: not so good. i dont know where ellie is and she wont give me her address.
Dad: i dont have it either. we had a couple accidents here sunday and ellie got hurt. now i m godzilla.
Diego: women sure overreact. all i know is theyre in hawkinstown in some shelter.
Dad: thats more than i knew. thanks buddy. let me know if you find out anything else.
Diego: sure and u do the same ok.
Dad: deal.

Notice how well Dad and Diego communicate? That's because they understand each other. They have the same belief: that men are superior to women and should be in charge.

To them, Dad's family leaving home was an "overreaction." Dad's already forgiven himself and downplayed his part in injuring Mom, Ellie, and their little dog. He expects them to forgive him and come back home. It's not a big deal.

If your partner punched you in the jaw, hurled your daughter into a table injuring her leg, and hurt your dog so badly that you feared for its life, would you forgive him? Would you downplay the seriousness of the injuries, even though they were the worst ever?

Would you stay in that home?

Do you think Ellie or Mom overreacted?

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, you might want to see if there's a women's group at your local domestic violence shelter. A group of women in the same boat as you. A chance to figure out what you deserve.

I'm just sayin'.

SURPRISING THE AGGRESSIVE KID

2011-04-16T14:55:00.000-07:00

At the shelter, there's another new kid. He's in fourth grade, slender, handsome and quick with his hands. You don't see him bug another kid. Or hit one. Or take his toy. You just find the wailing child and ask what happened.

So on group night, the group he joined had a good discussion about good and bad dads. After the group, it was playtime. He stayed in the lounge area while I went into the table/play room. Kids quickly started playing with the doll house, cards, dominoes, etc. The babysitters gave them a lot of attention. They were content and having fun.

Meanwhile, I realize we're missing a couple kids. Hear a protest and then another.
Went and looked in the lounge. The new guy had taken a kid's toy and he'd hit him.

I asked him if anyone else at the shelter had ever hurt him. He looked startled. Thought a minute. Said, "No." Then mumbled, "Not yet."

I said, "I can't guarantee no one will ever hurt you here. But I'll tell you right now I haven't SEEN adults hurt kids here. And I promise I will never hurt you."

He shrugged. Sat down on a couch. Stayed there a while, alone.

He walked into the playroom a few minutes later. Went straight to the kid he'd hit. Gave him a book from our bulging bookshelves. "I'm sorry," he said.

The other kid smiled and said, "Read it to me." And he did.
Then he looked at me. I nodded. "Way to go," I said.

It may take a few reminders, but like most of the boys, he wants to be different from the abuser.

I hope he makes it.

GOOD KIDS

2011-04-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

Whom do you consider to be "good kids?" My husband and I use the term for our kids or other kids when they are polite, helpful, or do something kind.

At the shelter, "good kids" are judged pretty much the same way.

At home, before they arrive at the shelter, though, the kids are considered "good" by the abuser when they obey his commands without question, don't challenge his beliefs or behavior toward Mom, and do everything he asks as quickly and perfectly as possible.

Of course, the abuser expects the same behavior from his partner. Otherwise, she is ungrateful, bad, stupid, crazy. After a while, she doesn't know what she is.

To the mom in a violent home, her kids are "good" when they warn her of a problem or fix it themselves, let her sleep and take care of sibs and household tasks when she is depressed or injured, protect her from the abuser by lying or begging him to "stop fighting" or "leave her alone."

The abuser doesn't want the kids to ally themselves with Mom. It decreases his power. As they get older and are "good" to Mom in ways that interfere with his abuse, the kids become ungrateful, bad, stupid, crazy...And often abused.

How twisted is that?

Excerpt from SHELTER ms.:SEPARATING FROM DAD

2011-04-10T13:05:00.000-07:00

(Following is a text between Miguel's sister, Ellie, 16, and her boyfriend, Diego shortly after the family moves to the shelter.)
Diego: hey. sorry i hassled u yesterday. i was messed up. mom kicked dad out. changed r fone to unlisted.
Ellie: how come.
Diego: long and short he drinks 2 much. cant keep a job.
Ellie: she mite change her mind. my mom always does.
Diego: dont think so. i am so down. need u so bad. lets go out tonite. cheer each other up.
Ellie: i cant. i m exhausted and miguels acting crazy. hates this place. hates us.
Diego: i could lean on him.
Ellie: no need. he will calm down. gotta go. fone bill due an i m almost broke.
Diego: i keep tellin u. let me pay 4 it. if i get u unlimited we can talk and text all we want.
Ellie: i dunno. have 2 think about it.
Diego:
Ellie: u there.
Diego:

EXCERPT following an incident when Miguel goes ballistic, almost hurts Ellie in a serious way, and insults Mom.

(Miguel) What I hate most about the House of Hope is there’s no “half way” around here. It’s too quiet or it’s too noisy. You feel lonely or wish people would go away.
his morning, though I wake up early and feel okay for some reason. Look around the room. Ellie’s dressed and perched on the desk. Texting like mad. Mom’s sitting up in bed, reading a small white book.
I dress under the covers, make my bed, and head out.
“Hold on,” Mom says. “I need to talk to you kids.”
Ellie raises a finger. “One sec, okay? I have to tell my boss I’ll be out a couple more days.” A minute later, she flips her phone shut. “Okay, shoot.”
Mom takes a deep breath, says, “See this book? It’s about our state’s family violence laws. I’ve been reading it off and on since we got here.”
She blinks hard. “You know I’m worried Dad will make trouble for me at work or try to pick you kids up at camp, right?” She closes her eyes, sighs. “So this morning I’m meeting with Marsha, a family violence advocate. She’ll help me get a temporary restraining order.”
“What’s that?” Ellie says and finger-combs her curls like they’re on fire.
Mom stuffs the book in her purse. “It’s a paper signed by a judge that says Dad can’t abuse us or even come near us for two weeks.”
“And then what happens?”
Mom shrugs. “I'm not sure. I’m taking this one step at a time.” The bruise on her jaw is fading to green and yellow. Maybe her evidence against Dad is fading, too. Maybe he won’t go to jail.
Dad in jail! Can’t believe I’m even thinking about it. I don’t know anyone else whose father’s in jail. What if the guys find out? Will they rank on us, tell everybody?
My voice squeaks. “Did you get Dad arrested?”
Mom frowns. “No. When this order runs out, though, I have to go back to court and try to get long-term custody of you kids. Dad will be there to hassle me, that's for sure.”
“But we’re already living with you,” I say. “Why bother?”
“Because if I don’t get legal custody, he can snatch you anytime and nothing will happen to him.”
“Wouldn’t it be easier to give him another chance?” I ask. “He’s gotta be sorry.”
Ellie rolls her eyes. “He’s always sorry, estupido—until the next time!”
Mom nods. “Miguel, he’s had too many chances already and now he’s hurt Ellie and Moochie. You could be next. I don’t want him around me or you kids, period.”
“Fine with me,” Ellie says. “I don’t want to visit him. He’ll spend the whole time trying to find out where we’re living.”
“That’s bull,” I say.
Mom shakes her head. “I don’t think so, Miguel and I refuse to deal with him anymore. I’m done.”
“But what about Tae Kwon Do?” I ask. “Dad’s the one who always takes me to my dojang and watches my practices and promotion tests.”
Ellie’s neck does its snaky thing. “Right, let’s be sure to keep up the Tae Kwon Do lessons so we’ll have two guys in the house who punch and kick real good.”
"I never punched or kicked you!"
“No, you just almost clocked me with your football!”
I hear Master Han, my karate teacher’s gentle, firm voice in my head. Students, never forget: Tae Kwon Do is about self-control, not aggression!
He would never do what I did to Ellie yesterday. He would never say what I said to Mom.
“You’re right, El. I’m sorry. I won’t do that again, ever.”
“Hmmm, lemme think,” Ellie says. “How many times has Dad made promises like that?”
Mom goes to the door. “Okay, that’s enough! Time for breakfast. I’m due at court in an hour.”

The anger and confusion Miguel and Ellie feel is fairly typical. The abuser may have been good them for years. May have been supportive of their school and outside activities. Sometimes the abuser may even be able to hide his abuse from the children until they grow old enough to understand or witness it.

Parental love is not easy to shuck off. Some kids have by the time they come to the shelter because they are angry at the abuser and the restrictions he puts on their lives. Others may have seen many "amends" and what appears to be genuine remorse on the abuser's part. Like their mother, they hope he will change into the person they used to or still love.

Meanwhile, it is safer for anger, the imitation of Dad's behavior, sadness and confusion to surface once chidren are at the shelter. They hear others describing similar abuse, begin to understand they are not alone, not crazy, and not stupid.
It is the beginning of a long, scary but potentially rewarding journey. They deserve admiration for their courage and they certainly have mine.

FLIP! THE SHELTER'S ALMOST FULL AGAIN!

2011-04-06T13:01:00.000-07:00

One week and we're pretty much back to normal at the shelter.Some single women and two families with several children each have arrived, one group precipitously. The new kids and teens are still in shock. They relate well, take part in group appropriately, get along with each other and the adults at the shelter.

This good functioning may continue with some, but most residents, adult and child, go through a roller coaster of emotional, legal, material, and physical changes during their stay.

Those who had to flee with no time to prepare for the move or to prepare the kids for the move, may have a fairly easy transition to shelter life at first. They are busy trying to find clothing, diapers, toiletries, etc. for the family. They expend tremendous energy trying to gather important documents (legal, birth certificates, bank accounts, etc.) and services (welfare, immigration, employment, educational, etc.). For a couple weeks, they don't have much time to think.

Resident women who worked with shelter staff before leaving home, already have important papers with them or with friends. They have brought with them clothes, toys, toiletries. They know where their kids will go to school and have notified day care and/or their bosses about the need to take time off or quit the job. Family and friends they can trust have been informed about the move, though not their location.

Either way, leaving home is traumatic, no matter what the circumstances.

The next step is to stay away from the batterer. This is even harder, especially if a woman cannot support her children on her own. Maybe she still believes he'll become the man she fell in love with. Maybe she's been brainwashed into thinking his problems are all her fault. Maybe her teen wants to graduate this year at his home high school.

Leaving is never easy, even when it's a matter of life and death.
Staying away is climbing Mt. Everest.
Don't judge these women, unless you've been in the trap they've escaped.
You really don't know what you think you know.

ALL NEW RESIDENTS AT THE SHELTER

2011-04-03T13:36:00.000-07:00

I hadn't gone to the shelter for three weeks because my husband and I had had the Virus from H--- which lasted an entire week (each). The third week, we didn't want to pass it on or to catch some other illness from the shelter kids with our lowered resistance.

Still, it was hard for me to stay home on "group night." I missed the kids and they missed me. I knew there would be a big change in the shelter population. I'd been told that all the women and kids had moved to other shelters, in with family members, or rented their own apartment because of the renovations.

The first surprise when I returned? The shelter looked better than I'd ever seen it. New kitchen counters, new wood-look floors, furniture rearranged. All areas cleaner, brighter, less cluttered. And all this work was probably done, as usual, by dedicated volunteers.

The next surprise? A first in my four years volunteering there: the shelter was almost full, but there were only two toddlers in residence! No kids or teens! Since I don't work with children under 3, that was a disappointment. Before my "vacation", three resident teens plus the consistent addition of three or more teens from "outside" had evolved into a tight-knit, quite verbal group.

Even supper before group time felt strange when I returned. There were only four women in the kitchen/dining areas and one serious toddler. No kids crying, fighting, laughing, chasing each other.

This was the quietest meal I've ever spent there. I hoped some non-resident kids would arrive for groups later.

Luckily, ten "outside" kids showed up. Most of them I'd known for a long time. They were glad to see I'd returned and I was happy to see them again. We caught up, talked, laughed. There were only eight kids, aged 7-12, so I could extend group time and they could still have play time. They enjoyed the relaxed format and the greater personal space. There were several empty chairs around the big tables. They could spread out, focus better, do more of what they wanted to do.

I didn't miss the hectic pace we have when 20-30 kids arrive for group. We usually have five adults to supervise and provide activities, but most of these kids need a lot of attention, especially the impulsive and angry kids.

So it was a peaceful night. Quiet, productive, no conflicts, no backtalk.

Still, I missed my teens who range from withdrawn to rowdy. I missed our 8 to 12-year-old boys who are more prone to argue, fight, show off and push the limits than the girls.

I have a feeling, though, that they will be back. A mom with four kids just moved in. The flu season is coming to an end. The kids love to play outside after groups when the weather improves. Quiet will not prevail for long.

And this is ok. It's what I signed up for and I'll be happy for the return to "normal." Whatever that is.

THREE: CHECKING OUT THE SHELTER @ http://bit.ly/ruralwriter

2011-03-30T14:35:00.000-07:00

In this excerpt from my Young Adult ms.,SHELTER, Miguel, Ellie, and Mercedes, their mother, move into a domestic violence shelter 40 minutes from their house. Miguel, 15 and Ellie, 16 have very different reactions to their new home.

(Miguel) I leave the room to check out the bedroom floor. Result: six bedrooms, two bathrooms. A small room with a washer and dryer.

Wow. Two bathrooms for maybe fourteen or fifteen women and kids? Who knew I was living in a palace before I came here?

This girl who looks like she has to "go" real bad, bangs on one of the bathroom doors and yells, “Hurry up!” Notices me and turns red.

A bathroom door flies open and a boy hurries out.

She yells, “About time, loser!” Slams the bathroom door so loud, a woman sticks her head into the hall and asks, “What’s going on, Dennie?”

He shrugs. “Bathroom emergency.”

How can he be so cool about it? What happens when all these people need to get to work, school, or bed at the same time? How about when they have to take a shower or they’re sick? This is worse than jail!

When I return to our room, Mom reads my mind. “Yes, Miguel, it might be tough to get a bathroom sometimes.”

I shove my suitcase in the closet. Slam the folding door shut with a shove of my knee. “Ya think?”

“Drop the attitude,” Mom says, “We’re here. Deal with it.”

“I can’t. I hate this place. Why didn’t we just stay home? Dad would have calmed down.”

Mom stares at me like I’m nuts. Ellie stands up. Looks me up and down like I’m an alien. I wait for her put-down, her snaky neck thing.

But no. Instead, she moves closer. Talks so soft and hard she sounds like Dad when he’s furious. “I get it, Miguel. If Mom and I just kept taking Dad’s abuse, we could have stayed in our happy home for years. You’re right. We were crazy to leave such a paradise.”

She leans in. “Did you like living with Hitler that much, asshole?”

“No, but I liked my friends and school and Tae Kwon Do!”

“What about me?” she yells. “I was Varsity Soccer, remember? Our new school might not even have a girls’ soccer program!”

New school? Great. Something else I hadn’t even thought about. “Okay, I get it, but what about Dad? He’ll come home tonight and we’ll be gone. He won’t even know where we are!”

“Aw, poor guy,” Ellie says. “And he won’t have anyone to beat up on, will he?”

Mercedes, Miguel, and Ellie have left home, but their problems are far from over.
Miguel is mad that Dad hurt Mom and Ellie, but feels sorry for him, too. Thinks Dad just "lost it." Ellie is furious with Dad and has been more realistic about his abuse than Miguel for a long time.

The stage is set for conflict around moving, who's to blame, should they return home or get their own place.

Mercedes/Mom is nowhere near able to deal with this conflict. She's too busy grieving for the loss of her husband, extended family, neighbors,and home. Way too stressed and confused to process what brought her and her kids to this place where they are homeless, poor, and still in danger.

I returned to the shelter last night after three weeks away to provide groups for the kids currently living there,the kids who once lived there, and a few kids who may someday have to live there.
I was so glad to be back.