It is with great sadness that I'm writing this blog entry for my mom. I am her daughter. On Tuesday June 12th, 2012 my mother lost her battle with cancer and passed away. I wanted to share the words with you that I spoke at her Memorial Service- so you would have the chance to know what a wonderful and gifted mother she was.

     "If I had to use one word to describe my mother it would be “unafraid.” She probably would have told you there were things she was afraid of. But to me she never acted like she was afraid of anything. My mother had confidence and I believe that confidence is just another form of courage.
     So when she called and told me her cancer came back she appeared to be unafraid. She didn’t tell me how big the tumor was or that this was a type of cancer that had no cure, just that she was going to have chemo and I should not worry about her, she would be fine.
    After we hung up the phone the first thing that popped into my mind was my chicken Wheezy. Never have I had a chicken who seemed so unafraid of people from the minute I took her out of the shipping box. Just a year ago my mom had sat with me as we both watched in amazement as 3 day old Wheezy hopped out of her cage and right into my lap. Then I gave her to my mom to hold of course. I’m not sure if my mom really loved chickens, but since I loved them she was determined to share in the experience, that’s just how she was.
     Over the next couple of weeks Wheezy would run down the hallway and book around my kitchen. And then she would fly up and sit on my shoulder. But true to her chicken nature when I put her outside with the flock she ignored me and went about the business of being an aloof teenage chicken. Baby chickens grow up so fast. Then that winter Wheezy got sick. I brought her into the house, hoping she would get better with some TLC. I spent the day with her just like when she was a baby, she sat on my lap as I stroked her little feathered head. And then the next morning she died. But I was so thankful I had one more day with her. It felt like such a gift.
     So when my mom got sick I was determined to have one more day with her before the Chemo changed her. As soon as I suggested it, Mom was on it. Called me back in an hour, her chemo would start on Tuesday, so we should spend the day together on Monday, April 16th. She wanted to go to Mystic Seaport. I didn’t know why she wanted to go there because we never went there when I was a kid. I didn’t remember that she loved boats, but she wanted to go so I was game.
    After we got there we climbed up on a horse-drawn wagon and took a tour. And then she told me all about coming here when she was a kid, with her mom. I should have known that this experience was not to be a nostalgic rerun, but a learning experience instead. Then after the ride we walked around a bit, sat in the church that was her favorite building and then took a look inside the planetarium. We gazed up at the high ceilings and admired the stars until a voice interrupted us.
     “Have you ever been to a planetarium before?” he asked.
     “Yes,” I told him. “When I was little my mother took me everywhere.” And then Mom and I lost it, crying and hugging each other in the shadow of this poor man who had no clue what he had said to evoke such emotion. And then we pulled ourselves together and went and had lobster for lunch, my mom’s favorite and just what she wanted.
    Thank you for our day Mom-but most of all, thank you for empowering me by example to never be afraid to stand up for myself or the people and animals that I love."

DR. PHIL AND BATTERERS

I happened to tune in on Dr. Phil as couple days ago. He was interviewing men who batter their wives. One said he would do “anything” to get his wife back and was getting counseling. Dr. Phil encouraged him to this and more. The other man, as I remember, was not seeking therapy.

The truth is that counseling, in general usually doesn’t help these guys because they often use it to pretend they want to change their ways or the courts order them to do it. Another problem is that they often manipulate, lie, and deceive the counselor inexperienced in Domestic Violence. They also may punish their partner for saying things during sessions that “make them look bad,” according to battered women I’ve known and research I’ve read.

Dr. Phil is an excellent counselor in many ways, but I hope he was being diplomatic in accepting one of the men’s determination to “change” through counseling. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt, however, because he’s not naive.

Most men who batter have extremely poor self-esteem, are excellent actors, and don’t want to change. They need to feel superior to those they victimize.  Another problem is that many of them have OCD so they are truly obsessed with controlling their partners. Without medication and long-term counseling (entered into with honest intent), I don’t foresee much hope for the victims of men who go to counseling but don’t really want to change.

The only one in this couple who can change is the victim. She has to overcome tremendous fear and sometimes death threats in order to leave and to help her kids follow a different life path. I give every single woman who manages to escape this life style only accolades and admiration.

I give their torturers nothing.

‘

MEMORIAL DAY FOR MOMS

My son was in Iraq for almost a year. I woke up every day wondering if he was alive. I’d check my email, but when he was on missions he didn’t email me so we’d have a couple scary days sometimes.

He came home with some emotional scars, but seemingly intact in body and purpose. He didn’t regret serving in Iraq though the high temps and dust storms, combined with carrying at least fifty pounds of  supplies on his back, plus his gun, etc. on missions made his life miserable at times.

I am so grateful he made it through and wish only love, prayers, and hope for the moms, dads, and families whose sons and daughters didn’t make it home from war or who are still serving and still in danger. 

Memorial Day is tomorrow, but we should remember our soldiers who serve or have served our country every day for months, for years, or until the end of their lives every single day.

Like battered women, they didn’t cause the problem, but they must live with it.

‘

SHORT SLEEVES

I’m looking at the large, lovely bruise on my arm from a blood draw gone wrong and thanking God I’m not a battered woman.

So many of them have to hide or lie about the bruises, abrasions, stitches, broken bones, and fear imposed on them by their batterer. They use makeup, long sleeves, good acting ability, whatever they can, adding stress to already having to live with someone who thinks he has the right to expect perfection.  

And the right to punish imperfection.

Wish we could put these guys to sleep and cover them with all kinds of marks including a tattoo that says “Sadist” or “Stupid” on their neck or somewhere it cannot be hidden and is very difficult to joke about or explain away.

I’d say it’s time they felt uncomfortable.

‘

Our ex-neighbors have a new home and have invited us to come see it next week. We’re happy to keep in touch with them and their kids—our “little friends” whom we love a lot. They enjoy visiting our daughter and son-in-law’s farm and the kids got to hold new baby chicks and feed the adult hens the last time they visited there.

So I expect only a good time when we get together. The kids are so used to us that misbehavior is rare and we all set limits when needed. One of the best parts of being with these friends, though is that we have few secrets among us. What they see is what they get, and v.v. We’ve gone through each other’s family crises over the years and worked things out, supported each other, and ended up closer.

I doubt this visit scenario plays out the same way when there’s domestic violence in one or both families.  The family that lives with control and violence has so many secrets, so many false “faces” to put on, and no doubt the batterer has already handed out his usual threats before a “public” visit.

As a result, the family usually makes few “outside” visits, not even with close relatives. There are many excuses, but few chances to experience real, honest relationships that can turn into relaxed, "real" ones.

How much these families lose in the process. How little their children learn about real life. These kids don’t know there’s no such thing as the “perfect” family. They're just told theirs must be.

‘

CHURCH, NO CHURCH

I don’t attend church regularly, but I try to lead a Christian life. Though our church is fairly small, it is full of wonderful volunteers of all ages who help with the zillions of programs we have, especially for kids, teens, and those who are elderly or sick. 

I got to wondering today about the churchgoer who’s a batterer, no matter what religion he “practices.” Many kids at the shelter tell me the family goes to church as a group with their father figure.

How does this man resolve his conflict about gaining control of his partner through violence and cruelty and being a “good” person? 

How does he explain the difference between the mental and physical cruelty he inflicts on his partner and the non-violence of his "faith"?

What does he think the kids who live with him understand about the difference between the way he treats them and the way he treats their mother?

What happens when his children get old enough to stand between him and their mother when her well-being or life is being threatened? 

Gosh, these guys must be soooo smart.

I can’t seem to reconcile any of the above and I know I’m not stupid. 

‘

MOTHER'S DAY--the day after

I hope everyone had a nice Mother's Day. We did. Husband and kids cooked the meal and it was yummy.
Received lovely flowers from daughter and son-in-law. Cards with loving messages. My neighbor handed dh flowers and love notes from my "fake grandchild" whom I couldn't love more than I do.

Mother's Day should be a tribute to all we do every single day. There should be smiles, kisses, good food.

Not tension, wishes that good treatment on Mother's Day happened every day. A feeling that it's "all for show."

If this day wasn't about the mom, but about how wonderful? "Dad" is, something's wrong.

This isn't his day and he should treat Mom well every day.

CHOOSING

Fifteen baby chicks arrived at my daughter’s door two weeks days ago in a box about 14” square. They were warm, alive and pretty; ordered by her based on their genes, colors, expected size at maturity, etc. 

All are fluffy, colorful, and healthy. If history proves true, they will mature into exceptionally beautiful and well-cared-for hens, like the great egg layers she already has. Though they’re well cared for and loved, they were chosen for a superficial reason: the expected color of their eggs. Look in my daughter’s fridge and you’ll see green, tan, white, mottled brown and tan, pink, and blue eggs.  

Shelter babies and kids come in all colors, too, but their moms and dads didn’t choose each other for something they could produce. They chose each other, maybe sometimes consciously, for their personalities, just as most of us do. In their case, scary guys can be seen as romantic; dependent girls can be seen as “good.” 

Which is why these beautiful shelter kids are so at risk for leading a life like their parents’; why they are so likely to fall in love with a dependent girl or a hot-tempered guy. 

Sadly, there is not a lot to tell us which of our attempts to fight their irrational beliefs about a good partner when they’re in the shelter might help them make better choices later.

It’s the same with foster kids. Some survive and thrive, while others go into maturity wounded and fail at life. Wish we knew more about why this happens.

I can only love these kids when they’re in my groups and hope they pick up something from their daily experiences at the shelter that tells them what’s truly right and what’s truly wrong in a family. 

I can only pray that whatever they learn, they keep that lesson in their heads and hearts long enough to set up a more normal life when they grow up, one based on the equality of parents and protection of children, not the other way around.

‘

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Tina Turner, the wonderful singer and dancer, lived in a battering relationship with her husband, Ike Turner for years. A made-for-TV movie showed clearly how hard it was for her to get away from him both physically, emotionally, and financially.

To her everlasting credit, she was one of the first famous women to “come out” about the beatings, tongue lashings, and rapes she had to live with constantly and in her own home.

In the past few years, many more stars from all kinds of media have “come out” about their abusive relationship(s). I don’t know if this has contributed to the lower number of annual murders that American batterers commit, but the national number seems to be very slowly going down.

One factor in fewer deaths during these women’s relationship with the batterer or after she leaves, may be that judges, lawyers, and other court professionals are being trained in greater numbers so that many no longer believe a woman is to blame for defending herself any way she can against the batterer’s assaults, for “talking back”, for not leaving. More of these men (and the greatest majority of batterers are men) are being fined for breaking Restraining Orders. More of them are going to jail. More of them are finding it harder to prove “she started it” or “hey, look how she hurt me.”

What have you done today to understand the plight of someone who has no money, no car, no friends or relatives nearby who will help her appropriately? Someone who may have already been threatened with her own death, her pet’s, or losing her children or someone else she loves if she leaves?

Don’t judge a battered woman if you haven’t been there. The problem is so complex.
You have no idea how complex.

'

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Tina Turner, the wonderful singer and dancer, lived in a battering relationship with her husband, Ike Turner for years. A made-for-TV movie showed clearly how hard it was for her to get away from him both physically, emotionally, and financially.

To her everlasting credit, she was one of the first  famous women to “come out” about the beatings, tongue lashings, and rapes she had to live with constantly and in her own home.  

In the past few years, many more stars from all kinds of media have “come out” about their abusive relationship(s). I don’t know if this has contributed to the lower number of annual murders that American batterers commit, but the national number seems to be very slowly going down.

One factor in fewer deaths during these women’s relationship with the batterer or after she leaves, may be that judges, lawyers, and other court professionals are being trained in greater numbers so that many no longer believe a woman is to blame for defending herself any way she can against the batterer’s assaults, for “talking back”, for not leaving. More of these men (and the greatest majority are men) are being fined for breaking Restraining Orders. More of them are going to jail. They are finding it harder to prove “she started it” or “hey, look how she hurt me.”

What have you done today to understand the plight of someone who has no money, no car, no friends or relatives nearby who will help her appropriately?

Someone who may have already been threatened with her own death, her pet’s, or losing her children or someone else she loves if she leaves?

Don’t judge a battered woman if you haven’t been there. The problem is so complex. You have no idea.

‘

FLEXIBLE THINKING

Hey, we got way too little rain in April, so we’re making up for it in May. DH IS playing golf tomorrow with his uncle because it’s supposed to be good weather. Seven months ago DH could hardly walk, never mind play golf because he had terrible sciatica. Orthopedic interventions and PT provided only temporary relief and that wasn't enough for him. He loves his golf and gardening.

So he thought outside the box. He’d seen an ad for treatment on a leaning-type table and decided to construct his own. It looks like a wide see saw. Gravity, with  DH's head way down near the floor and his back muscles stretching, is the treatment. Plus prescribed exercises every day.

Result after months of trying this? Considerable relief from pain and his first golf date tomorrow. He’s been doing some of the gardening (inside and out) as well. I’m not that impressed with this success because he’s a very creative guy always. This time, though, he solved a problem medically. I’m grateful because his hard work and effort helped me, too. Nice to see him smile instead of frown. 

Somehow I don’t think a batterer operates this way. His whole deal is CONTROL,is blaming others, not solving problems. After all, he’s never the problem anyway. His imperfect partner is. She upsets him so much he can’t help how he treats her.

Is that twisted, or what? Is that something to admire?

‘

GOLF WITH A 3-YR-OLD: EVENING UP THE ODDS

My neighbors are a loving, good family. My favorite story about Dad I heard recently from Mom. She said her husband loves to play golf and hopes his little son will enjoy it, too. 

When the little guy and his "big" sister visit our house on Saturdays to play, the 3-yr-old often whacks golf balls in our rec room with kid-size clubs and a focused determination that makes me proud. He enjoys it and truly practices his swing.  

So Dad takes him to the Club when he can. Their routine? They both hit a ball. Then they walk up to the little guy’s ball. The child picks it up, then sets it down next to Dad’s ball, which is, of course, much farther up the fairway.

Of course this child will love golf and love playing with Dad! Neither one has something to prove. They are having a good time together and they both are learning. 

Somehow, I can’t see a batterer doing this with one of his kids. Many of these men are nice to the kids when they’re little. They seem to forget that the kids will begin to understand how not nice they are as they mature, since the batterer hurts Mom whom they also love.

Some identify with the batterer out of fear They arrive at the shelter already in Control Mode. Most eventually can be persuaded with counseling, behavior mod, and peer pressure that Mom is in charge, not them. Those who leave still in Control Mode make me sad, for they are at risk to exhibit the same cruel, controlling behavior as their father figure.  

So what are you dads out there doing to help your kids feel successful in their own right?

They won’t need to be mean if they are sure of themselves.
Your example is everything.
‘

WONDER WOMAN OR ADHD?

My friends are always amazed at how energetic and driven I am; how much I accomplish. 

Contrary to their beliefs, I’m not Wonder Woman. I do have ADHD, though, and even if it causes problems for me sometimes, I’m glad I have it. I accomplish more than some people because I was taught early to use my energy. To set goals and persevere until I attain them or decide the current goal is not one I really want to attain. That leaves me free to set another goal and try again. 

It’s not that hard. I’m a writer and a child therapist and I love what I do. My husband, family, and friends support my efforts, even if they end in  failure. That makes my small successes, or at least my routine completion of tasks, easier. I deserve no accolades. 

Women stuck in a battered living situation, however, deserve all our respect and praise. They are not staying there out of love, but out of fear. Sometimes leaving could result in their death. This is not a small decision and they make it as best they can. 

In the meantime, they must overcome cruel treatment (emotional and/or physical) every day just to do what I do easily with the support of my husband and children.

I’m not anxious when I mess up dinner, serve it earlier or later than usual, or make a food that isn’t my husband’s favorite. If I'm late, forget something, or get lazy, it's no big deal. I don’t get criticized, injured, or hurt for making mistakes. My husband doesn’t expect perfection, nor do I. 

That leaves me grateful for my ADHD and my caring friends and family.

And it sure beats living with a jerk who pretends he’s God--hands down.

‘

THE LOVE OF CHILDREN

The little kids next door are very much like grandchildren with lots of love going both ways. Because I am sick right now, they are especially solicitous and very sweet when they visit. If I’m tired, I sit down and they play around me. I don’t ask them to do this and they don’t do it out of fear or a sense of responsibility. They do it out of love and because in their family children are children and not expected to parent others.

When they do “take care” of me, I keep it minimal because I’m the caretaker though I love their kindness.

This is not true of many, maybe most children in violent homes. When mom is injured physically or emotionally, too depressed to dress, feed or do laundry for them, the children take over. They do Mom’s work if they can; figure out how to survive if they can’t.

It’s a world turned upside down. Children taking care of a victimized parent. And it will happen as long as batterers get away with their vicious cruelty.

Have you slimed a batterer today?

Feel free.

‘

THE LOVE OF CHILDREN

THE LOVE OF CHILDREN

The little kids next door are very much like grandchildren with lots of love going both ways. Because I am sick right now, they are especially solicitous and very sweet when they visit. If I’m tired, I sit down and they play around me. I don’t ask them to do this and they don’t do it out of fear or a sense of responsibility. They do it out of love and because in their family children are children and not expected to parent others. 

When they do “take care” of me, I keep it minimal because I’m the caretaker though I love their kindness.

This is not true of many, maybe most children in violent homes. When mom is injured physically or emotionally, too depressed to dress, feed or do laundry for them, the children take over. They do Mom’s work if they can; figure out how to survive if they can’t.

It’s a world turned upside down. Children taking care of a victimized parent. And it will happen as long as batterers get away with their vicious cruelty.

Have you slimed a batterer today?

Feel free.

‘

PIERCING INTELLIGENCE

New kid on the block was small but mighty and soooo loud. At first it was hard to talk with him because he cried and screamed at everything and everyone. His little sister was  quiet, wide-eyed, never smiled. No one minded having her around.

The first couple group nights he attended, he was returned to his mother because his behavior was so hard to manage. After many Time Outs and the loss of snack one night, he realized he’d have more playtime and more fun if he didn’t hit kids, grab their toys, or refuse to cooperate. After that we had little problem with him in group. His behavior with his mom and the other women didn’t improve, however. No one, aside from some of the group volunteers, seemed to like him a whole lot.

Then one night, the little guy and I were sitting next to each other in the playroom when groups were switching rooms. He suddenly told me what Daddy did to make him and his mom so scared. He spoke clearly and well with an intelligence way above his chronological age. And his words cut deep. He knew too much and understood too well.

The next week, he and his mother moved out. I hope his exceptional mind will save him when he’s grown from re-living the home life that still so consumed him at the shelter he began to tell many of us its hurtful details.

Yet I wish every child at the shelter were more like him. Not loud and defiant, of course, but able to talk about their trauma. Most kids or teens can’t do this as quickly as he did. He is one amazing child.

‘

A VOICE

My husband and I went to Boston recently  to get his vocal cords “plumped.” Like his mom at his age, he’s losing his voice, but wants to continue to sing in the church choir. This is a guy who sang at weddings for years and made me cry every time. He loves to sing. 

Voice means more to him than talking, singing means more to him than music. He wants to continue singing with his good friends so he's trying this procedure. If it works, he’ll get a more permanent vocal cord “tune up” in a few weeks. 

I love to sing, too, but to me, voice also means power, personal identity, the core of a character’s personality in a book.

What if you couldn’t tell someone to back off, to listen, to leave? What if your voice couldn’t be expressed because it would endanger your life?

Welcome to domestic and dating violence. Voice is a big problem and one that is so encased in fear and anxiety that it often stops being used.

Do you have a voice?

Do you use it?

‘

EASTER PARTY

The shelter always has a party on Group night for major Christian holidays. Easter is fun for the kids because they’re getting outside more and some have already gone on Easter Egg hunts. The shelter provides Easter games, crafts, and a dose of junk food that the kids love.

 My own Easter celebration is to make a good ham dinner and invite my sister, daughter, and son-in-law. I also give my two little “friends” next door a small toy and a bag of candy like the ones I give to the kids at the shelter. I have lots of fun making these treats and the kids love to get them.

Though Easter is the religious celebration of Christ’s ascension, it is also connected in my mind at least, to spring, flowers, and chocolate.  

It should be a happy time. I hope your Easter is just what you want it to be.

‘

DUMPING CRAYONS

It’s group night at the shelter. Seven kids sit with me around a table, listening nicely as another child tells a story. A two-year-old  and her sister are sitting together. I don’t work with kids under three usually, but this toddler won’t let her sister out of her sight, so I let her come along.

Of course she soon gets bored and starts making noise. I give her my “kitchen box,” which is full of plastic replicas of all things found in the kitchen. She plays with its contents for a few minutes. Gets bored again. Dumps whatever isn’t on the table on the floor. Luckily, it’s now playtime so the other kids are already playing with toys, the doll house and games. Another child and I pick up the mess. 

A few minutes later, the little one is bored with the dominoes. Her sister’s busy so I give her a BIG plastic shoe box of crayons and a couple pieces of paper. Soon, she’s bored again. Dumps the entire box, at least 500 crayons, on the floor.  

Can’t believe it. This toddler was so quiet and withdrawn a few weeks ago when I met her. Now she’s being a regular two-year-old brat.

I love it! She’s not afraid of me or what I’ll do if she’s “bad.”

So I laugh and she and her sister help me pick up the mess.

Score one for the shelter.
‘

REVIEWS

I’ve had a good response to my request for reviews for HYPER HARRY, my kids’ book that is helpful to children, families, teachers, etc. dealing with or interested in ADHD. So far I've sent out a review copy to those requesting one, but today’s request was unusual. Someone from India wants to review the book. I checked out the Netsite and the reviewer since it costs $6.00+ to send the paperback that far. They are both legit so HARRY goes to India today.  

I didn’t have to justify this expense to my husband or apologize for taking the time to package it up. If I lived with a batterer, I probably would never have published a book, since batterers aren’t that supportive of “hobbies”, especially if they don’t pay a big return on investment.

Yet, think of the everyday buying, shopping, and decision-making most homemakers do without asking permission from anyone. Children must ask permission and we are not children.

Unfortunately, batterers don’t think that way, so they treat their partners as if they were children, day laborers or (cringe) their personal slaves. I don’t think you can call them psychotic, since they know right from wrong (shown by how they hide their behavior). They also plan their tortures and set up their victims. But if they’re not psychotic, they’re something worse.

Much worse.

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