CHOOSING

Fifteen baby chicks arrived at my daughter’s door two weeks days ago in a box about 14” square. They were warm, alive and pretty; ordered by her based on their genes, colors, expected size at maturity, etc. 

All are fluffy, colorful, and healthy. If history proves true, they will mature into exceptionally beautiful and well-cared-for hens, like the great egg layers she already has. Though they’re well cared for and loved, they were chosen for a superficial reason: the expected color of their eggs. Look in my daughter’s fridge and you’ll see green, tan, white, mottled brown and tan, pink, and blue eggs.  

Shelter babies and kids come in all colors, too, but their moms and dads didn’t choose each other for something they could produce. They chose each other, maybe sometimes consciously, for their personalities, just as most of us do. In their case, scary guys can be seen as romantic; dependent girls can be seen as “good.” 

Which is why these beautiful shelter kids are so at risk for leading a life like their parents’; why they are so likely to fall in love with a dependent girl or a hot-tempered guy. 

Sadly, there is not a lot to tell us which of our attempts to fight their irrational beliefs about a good partner when they’re in the shelter might help them make better choices later.

It’s the same with foster kids. Some survive and thrive, while others go into maturity wounded and fail at life. Wish we knew more about why this happens.

I can only love these kids when they’re in my groups and hope they pick up something from their daily experiences at the shelter that tells them what’s truly right and what’s truly wrong in a family. 

I can only pray that whatever they learn, they keep that lesson in their heads and hearts long enough to set up a more normal life when they grow up, one based on the equality of parents and protection of children, not the other way around.

‘

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Tina Turner, the wonderful singer and dancer, lived in a battering relationship with her husband, Ike Turner for years. A made-for-TV movie showed clearly how hard it was for her to get away from him both physically, emotionally, and financially.

To her everlasting credit, she was one of the first famous women to “come out” about the beatings, tongue lashings, and rapes she had to live with constantly and in her own home.

In the past few years, many more stars from all kinds of media have “come out” about their abusive relationship(s). I don’t know if this has contributed to the lower number of annual murders that American batterers commit, but the national number seems to be very slowly going down.

One factor in fewer deaths during these women’s relationship with the batterer or after she leaves, may be that judges, lawyers, and other court professionals are being trained in greater numbers so that many no longer believe a woman is to blame for defending herself any way she can against the batterer’s assaults, for “talking back”, for not leaving. More of these men (and the greatest majority of batterers are men) are being fined for breaking Restraining Orders. More of them are going to jail. More of them are finding it harder to prove “she started it” or “hey, look how she hurt me.”

What have you done today to understand the plight of someone who has no money, no car, no friends or relatives nearby who will help her appropriately? Someone who may have already been threatened with her own death, her pet’s, or losing her children or someone else she loves if she leaves?

Don’t judge a battered woman if you haven’t been there. The problem is so complex.
You have no idea how complex.

'

WHAT'S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

Tina Turner, the wonderful singer and dancer, lived in a battering relationship with her husband, Ike Turner for years. A made-for-TV movie showed clearly how hard it was for her to get away from him both physically, emotionally, and financially.

To her everlasting credit, she was one of the first  famous women to “come out” about the beatings, tongue lashings, and rapes she had to live with constantly and in her own home.  

In the past few years, many more stars from all kinds of media have “come out” about their abusive relationship(s). I don’t know if this has contributed to the lower number of annual murders that American batterers commit, but the national number seems to be very slowly going down.

One factor in fewer deaths during these women’s relationship with the batterer or after she leaves, may be that judges, lawyers, and other court professionals are being trained in greater numbers so that many no longer believe a woman is to blame for defending herself any way she can against the batterer’s assaults, for “talking back”, for not leaving. More of these men (and the greatest majority are men) are being fined for breaking Restraining Orders. More of them are going to jail. They are finding it harder to prove “she started it” or “hey, look how she hurt me.”

What have you done today to understand the plight of someone who has no money, no car, no friends or relatives nearby who will help her appropriately?

Someone who may have already been threatened with her own death, her pet’s, or losing her children or someone else she loves if she leaves?

Don’t judge a battered woman if you haven’t been there. The problem is so complex. You have no idea.

‘

FLEXIBLE THINKING

Hey, we got way too little rain in April, so we’re making up for it in May. DH IS playing golf tomorrow with his uncle because it’s supposed to be good weather. Seven months ago DH could hardly walk, never mind play golf because he had terrible sciatica. Orthopedic interventions and PT provided only temporary relief and that wasn't enough for him. He loves his golf and gardening.

So he thought outside the box. He’d seen an ad for treatment on a leaning-type table and decided to construct his own. It looks like a wide see saw. Gravity, with  DH's head way down near the floor and his back muscles stretching, is the treatment. Plus prescribed exercises every day.

Result after months of trying this? Considerable relief from pain and his first golf date tomorrow. He’s been doing some of the gardening (inside and out) as well. I’m not that impressed with this success because he’s a very creative guy always. This time, though, he solved a problem medically. I’m grateful because his hard work and effort helped me, too. Nice to see him smile instead of frown. 

Somehow I don’t think a batterer operates this way. His whole deal is CONTROL,is blaming others, not solving problems. After all, he’s never the problem anyway. His imperfect partner is. She upsets him so much he can’t help how he treats her.

Is that twisted, or what? Is that something to admire?

‘

GOLF WITH A 3-YR-OLD: EVENING UP THE ODDS

My neighbors are a loving, good family. My favorite story about Dad I heard recently from Mom. She said her husband loves to play golf and hopes his little son will enjoy it, too. 

When the little guy and his "big" sister visit our house on Saturdays to play, the 3-yr-old often whacks golf balls in our rec room with kid-size clubs and a focused determination that makes me proud. He enjoys it and truly practices his swing.  

So Dad takes him to the Club when he can. Their routine? They both hit a ball. Then they walk up to the little guy’s ball. The child picks it up, then sets it down next to Dad’s ball, which is, of course, much farther up the fairway.

Of course this child will love golf and love playing with Dad! Neither one has something to prove. They are having a good time together and they both are learning. 

Somehow, I can’t see a batterer doing this with one of his kids. Many of these men are nice to the kids when they’re little. They seem to forget that the kids will begin to understand how not nice they are as they mature, since the batterer hurts Mom whom they also love.

Some identify with the batterer out of fear They arrive at the shelter already in Control Mode. Most eventually can be persuaded with counseling, behavior mod, and peer pressure that Mom is in charge, not them. Those who leave still in Control Mode make me sad, for they are at risk to exhibit the same cruel, controlling behavior as their father figure.  

So what are you dads out there doing to help your kids feel successful in their own right?

They won’t need to be mean if they are sure of themselves.
Your example is everything.
‘

WONDER WOMAN OR ADHD?

My friends are always amazed at how energetic and driven I am; how much I accomplish. 

Contrary to their beliefs, I’m not Wonder Woman. I do have ADHD, though, and even if it causes problems for me sometimes, I’m glad I have it. I accomplish more than some people because I was taught early to use my energy. To set goals and persevere until I attain them or decide the current goal is not one I really want to attain. That leaves me free to set another goal and try again. 

It’s not that hard. I’m a writer and a child therapist and I love what I do. My husband, family, and friends support my efforts, even if they end in  failure. That makes my small successes, or at least my routine completion of tasks, easier. I deserve no accolades. 

Women stuck in a battered living situation, however, deserve all our respect and praise. They are not staying there out of love, but out of fear. Sometimes leaving could result in their death. This is not a small decision and they make it as best they can. 

In the meantime, they must overcome cruel treatment (emotional and/or physical) every day just to do what I do easily with the support of my husband and children.

I’m not anxious when I mess up dinner, serve it earlier or later than usual, or make a food that isn’t my husband’s favorite. If I'm late, forget something, or get lazy, it's no big deal. I don’t get criticized, injured, or hurt for making mistakes. My husband doesn’t expect perfection, nor do I. 

That leaves me grateful for my ADHD and my caring friends and family.

And it sure beats living with a jerk who pretends he’s God--hands down.

‘

THE LOVE OF CHILDREN

The little kids next door are very much like grandchildren with lots of love going both ways. Because I am sick right now, they are especially solicitous and very sweet when they visit. If I’m tired, I sit down and they play around me. I don’t ask them to do this and they don’t do it out of fear or a sense of responsibility. They do it out of love and because in their family children are children and not expected to parent others.

When they do “take care” of me, I keep it minimal because I’m the caretaker though I love their kindness.

This is not true of many, maybe most children in violent homes. When mom is injured physically or emotionally, too depressed to dress, feed or do laundry for them, the children take over. They do Mom’s work if they can; figure out how to survive if they can’t.

It’s a world turned upside down. Children taking care of a victimized parent. And it will happen as long as batterers get away with their vicious cruelty.

Have you slimed a batterer today?

Feel free.

‘