SHELTER BABYSITTER

“Katherine” is an attractive older woman, petite and energetic, who has been a babysitter for shelter and “outside” children during women’s group times and a volunteer at the shelter for many years. She also works almost full-time at a day job caring for disabled adults.

She can hold a baby or toddler all through group time and enjoy it so much. She helps older kids with their homework and gives special attention to the newly arrived, upset child. The kids trust her and like her. She is a good model of a strong but loving woman. The other babysitters and I need her experience and help when things get a little chaotic and she freely gives it.

Another day of the week, she provides a craft group for the kids who live at the shelter. Besides this being fun for them, their mothers and the other women gratefully use this time to attend another group or enjoy much needed  “quiet time.”

But soon she will be resigning, finally getting much needed free time for herself and her family. She’s only one of the many volunteers who make a difference in shelter kids’ lives by consistently sharing herself, week after week.

I’ll miss her. You can’t replace certain people and she’s one of them.

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TEAM WORK

The team I’m talking about is my husband and me. We’ve been married a long time. Our relationship was probably average when the kids were still at home. Kids can cause a lot of stress and consternation, especially when they aren’t doing so well. And even when they are.

Now it’s just the two of us with our “opposites attract” kind of support system. He does the taxes; I do the cooking. He takes the cars in for maintenance; I do the parties, pot luck dishes, birthdays, and Xmas.

You get the idea. If I wanted to cut the grass, he’d faint. I’d faint if he wanted to take over the laundry. We have traditional roles and for us, it works. Most young people today are much better at picking and choosing non-traditional ways in which they’ll each contribute to the relationship.

Now exaggerate the older, traditional roles. Say she loves to work outside. He won’t let her. She hates to cook. He won’t take over a couple nights a week. She needs his help around the holidays. He prefers to spend time with “the boys.”

That’s not teamwork. It’s a dictatorship because one person decides all. That would be the batterer. The other person follows his orders because she has no choice. That would be the victim.

A couple where one is a batterer cannot be a “team.”

Luckily, that’s something I’ve never been part of and hope I never will.

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SELF-ESTEEM?

The last couple of generations of psychologists and teachers, not to mention Dr. Spock, have urgede us to make our kids happy, especially by keeping their self-esteem up.  

DH and I noted that a local coach put 11 kids on the “first team” in basketball and 11 on the second, even though only 5 players make up a team. I also understand that now every child in many sports teams receive a trophy at the end of the season. Exactly what do they learn from that? Maybe that showing up deserves a special pat on the back? 

Today, kids do what they’re expected to do or required to do, and they get a “Good job!” “Nice work!”, etc. Is this necessary? I think it would be better if they were given these accolades for doing something truly outstanding, not for what everyone does or should do. 

We are raising kids who have less motivation than we did because they are constantly rewarded for average or expected behavior, instead of for doing something beyond average, beyond expected, or especially kind. 

Self-esteem should come from doing well, from feeling needed, useful, good. From making a great effort, from adding to someone else’s experience in a positive way.

Research is showing that giving kids this artificial “high self-esteem” often results in kids who are self-centered and feel entitled whether they have earned the entitlement or not. The armed services, employers, etc. are noticing these differences in young people and are not pleased. 

Most kids at the shelter don’t come in with high self-esteem. They have watched their fathers emotionally and/or physically knock down their mothers. They have sometimes experienced the same treatment themselves. Yet, so many of them are helpful, strive to please, and are delighted with small pleasures.

I don’t advocate children receiving bad treatment or being traumatized at the hands of batterers. But there is a lesson here, one that might help many a parent trying to be “nice.”

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LITTLE BOY LOST

Last night, two new kids came to the shelter. Their mom was filling out forms at one of the dining room tables while they sat in the living room. Both kids looked stunned, exhausted, and beyond sad. 

Their mother said they could join group time while she talked with a counselor. Reluctantly, they came downstairs with us. They sat in on the “older kids” group, listened politely, though later I learned their English was still poor, and took part in “playtime” by coloring and watching. 

They didn’t talk to anyone, including the other kids. Continued to look devastated and worried. They needed to talk. I had someone cover for me in the playroom, grabbed a teen translator, and took them to a private area.  

Welcome to the child’s hell of leaving home suddenly. They understood why their mother had to leave. The older child did not want to return home because of her father’s behavior. I asked the younger child  if he was glad they left or did he want to go home?

He wanted to go home, he said, and fought not to cry. I asked him why. Silence while tears rolled down his cheeks. “Poppi?” I asked, and he nodded. We handed him the kleenex box. I told him it was okay to cry. Told him it was okay to love Poppi.

Because it is.

Poppi, despite his treatment of their mother which is also traumatizing to them, is their father. I told him he could love Poppi, get mad at him, be scared of him, want to play with him, miss him. His feelings were okay.

He gradually stopped crying. The older child seemed sympathetic toward him, but did not change her agreement with Mom’s decision to leave.

Now the tough time starts. Mom and these kids have brought nothing with them but memories and fear and confusion. I will not be present the next two group nights. When I return, I will find out if Mom decided to move in. And whether these kids can smile, relax a little, and accept the love that overcomes so much in the shelter.

I hope they will be there.

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TIME OUT

A mom and her little boy moved into the shelter a few weeks ago. My first experience with them was that she was yelling loud enough to waken the dead before I entered the dining room, and he was screaming and crying louder than you’d think possible for such a little guy. 

Not surprisingly, his behavior was pretty much unmanageable for much of group that night. A babysitter kept him close to her side and was able to quiet him down after a while.

Each week, his behavior improved in group, to the point where one of us saying, “You’re not listening” or,  “Do you want Time Out? One, two. ..” brought immediate compliance. He was proud when he avoided Time Out. Began to play with other kids. Even smiled once in a while.

One night at supper he beamed when I told his mother he was doing much better in group. She didn’t smile and barely acknowledged his accomplishment. A couple minutes later, he refused to do what she told him. She yelled, didn’t give him Time Out, turned away. He continued to disobey until I asked him if he wanted a Time Out and started counting.

This mom has had a rough time, but that’s no excuse. Every mother in the shelter has had a rough time, but they are trying to help their kids adjust to their authority. Unfortunately, this little guy’s mom seems to be blaming his negative behaviors on his abusive father.  

Until she takes the lead by consistently and calmly disciplining him, “catches him being good,” and is able to see him as a victim like herself, he will not improve on her watch. 

Let’s hope she can make some significant changes in how she relates to him and how she feels about him before they leave the shelter. His whole life may depend on it.

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OPPORTUNITIES

I got to talking with a bright woman at the shelter recently who was cooking wonderful-smelling food when I showed up before supper. She said she came from a “cooking family”, loved to cook and had been told she was very good at it. The women at the shelter gladly ate her food. Many wished she cooked more often. 

She said she’d do “anything” but had looked for jobs everywhere on the Net and found few she could apply for, given their location. She was discouraged because no one called her back. There also weren’t many job opportunities for her in the paper, so she’d stopped looking there. She’d just found an apartment she’d like to rent, but doubted she’d get it because she had some money saved, but no job.

The following week, she was still at the shelter. The apartment fell through, but she was cooking again. My tv dinner did not compare so she gave me one of her creations from the day before. It was the best Italian dish I’d had in ages. She could be a chef.

In fact, who knows what she might have been if she hadn’t been held down by a batterer?

Hadn’t lost her freedom to make important decisions in her life?

Hadn’t been treated so badly she'd begun to believe she deserved it? 

At least she’s smiling again. She has hope, drive, and organization. I bet she’ll get a good job, and soon. Which is good and bad.

Good for her, but bad for me when I want a delicious supper!

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COMPUTER DEPENDENCY

My X-Infinity email is sooo messed up. I have to minimize every outgoing email so it will pop up with the outgoing form “filled in.” Otherwise, it takes a full two minutes to work.  

Then when I fill in the “TO” address slot, I have to minimize after every 2 to 4 letters to get the cursor to work. It’s maddening and way too slow for someone with as many emails going out every day as I have. 

Comcast says it’s not their problem. The problem is in my Windows program. So I ran the complete Norton 360 Premier scan. No viruses or problems. Then DH spent all afternoon on recovery programs. No dice. Lost the Norton; no improvement in the email.

I guess tomorrow I’ll try using my HP recovery management program. Or maybe I’ll call them first. Aaaaargh.

But even with all this aggravation, I don’t have to worry about a partner checking what Netsite I’m on or where I ’ve been surfing. I don’t have to have two windows running so I can quickly shut down anything to do with Domestic Violence when he’s around. 

I only have an email problem.

What am I complaining about?

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