Wednesday, November 9, 2011


Some teens and women grow up in normal homes--however you define that. They can still fall in love with the supreme actor and manipulator that batterers can be.

But the teen or woman who has grown up in a home where violence is part of life, who has experienced abuse from family members(s), and thinks this is normal or at least inescapable, is much more at risk for repeating the cycle.

Just as growing up in a home where alcohol, substances, sex, or food are used to meet other needs, an addictive home puts all its members at at risk to repeat a life of addiction or living with an addictive personality.

Batterers may have other addictions, but their main addiction is control. It is a true addiction. If it is withdrawn in any way (say, for example when his victim leaves), he reverts to a rage that probably started when he was very young and had no control. He is about as rational as a three-year-old who wants the lollipop now and is ready to get it by any means possible.

But he's not three years old, even if emotionally he may be "stuck" there. He is big, furious that his victim outwitted him. Strong, manipulative, able to pull in every resource he has to find out where she is and try to force her to come back.

And he often does. Not because she's such a weakling, but often because she is making rational choices. Maybe her teen wants to finish his Senior year of high school. Maybe he hasn't allowed her to work or has taken every paycheck she ever earned so he maintains economic as well as physical and emotional power over her. Maybe he has threatened to kill her dog, grab the kids and run, destroy her car.

What would you do? No quick answers here. You have to have lived with one of these guys to know why she doesn't always get away the first time.

Pray she gets away the next time, in case it's her last chance.

No comments: